I think I'm gonna update the way I do tags on this damned thing. This is what I'm thinking of;
Instead of stars, I might do the following; Meh (replaces 1 Star), Okay (replaces 2-3 Stars), Cool (replaces 4 Stars) and AWESOME (replaces 5 Stars).
I'll probably also do tags for the name of the thing that I'm reviewing, and tags for Movie, TV, Game, etc, you know whatever the media is.
Yeah, I'll do that.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Episode III: Revenge of the Crapapalooza
Okay so here I am with what I think is the last installment of 'Shit me and the missus watched over Easter'. Let's get down to it shall we?
Salem's Lot
Now we didn't watch all of this. We picked up from about where we left off when we started watching it 3-4 years ago, and also stopped at some half way point. Truth be told, we just wanted to watch the bit where the kid's floating outside his brother's bedroom window, all pale, yellow-eyed and vampiric. You know, the bit that they riffed on in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Yeah, that one.
I have mixed attitudes to Stephen King. I must confess that I've never read any of his books, but I have seen a few of his films. Salem's Lot has a couple of really nice moments in a yawning ocean of tedium, wherein you have to suffer through endless replayings of Stephen King's ideas on ordinary Americans. Clichés and stereotypes that (apparently) permeate much of his work.
This is probably why we only watch snippets of it every three years or so. James Mason though, is quite effective as the complete bastard minder of the Big Bad.
Is it any good? For the very patient vampire fan and for Stephen King fanatics, yeah. For everyone else, it's better than valium.
2 Stars
The Last Exorcism
Since I threw caution to the wind and adopted a more atheistic bent in my life, I generally find devil movies to be a little silly. There are exceptions, but generally those exceptions are very, very good films.
The Last Exorcism starts out with a neat hook, that few others do. Our hero, Cotton Marcus (a riff on infamous witch hunter Cotton Mather?), is a former evangelist fire and brimstone PREEE-CHUH MAAAN. He also used to do exorcisms. So, most of the early part of the movie is spent with Cotton explaining that his heart's no longer in being a professional liar and ratbag, and showing us some of the neat tricks that the holy frauds use to gull the irredeemably stupid.
Neat.
Cotton decides to do one last exorcism, so wends his way down to the deep south for a meeting with demon-plagued innocent teen Ashley Sweetzer.
Well, of course one thing leads to another, and before you know she's up to her eyeballs in the devil greeblies. Stuff happens, there's a foretelling of the cast's death, and they all seem to come true, with a big twist revelation saved up for the last ten minutes.
I guess the thing for me about modern films, especially demon/haunting films, is that they make almost no sense. They're rarely explained in any clear sense, but heavily rely on some kind of invisible infrastructure which I'm sure made sense to the screenwriter, director and cast, but makes sweet F.A. of sense to me.
No exorcism has ever turned up anything that could not be explained by psychosis or fraudulent behaviour. The FBI did an intensive investigation into the satanic incest/kidnapping cult phenomena of the late 80's/early 90's and found... nothing. Each case revealed the same level of psychosis or outright lying. American Christians seem to want to be possessed and are prepared to lose their minds or lie to get the attention.
Is this film REALLY any good? Yeah, it is. The film, right up to the last ten minutes is actually quite engaging and more than a little creepy. The shock twist ending is a bullshit deus ex machina that cheapens the interplay of Ashley's seemingly real possession and Cotton's confirmed scepticism.
3 Stars
Lost Boys 3: The Thirst
'Cryyyy litttle sister! Thou shalt not...' Oh shit sorry, didn't see you there, lost in some deep nostalgia for an age when both Coreys were alive and hadn't been introduced to old Uncle Charlie. 'Lost Boys 3: The Thirst' is, I hope obviously, the second sequel to the vampire hit of the 80's 'The Lost Boys'.
Picking up from the boldly atrocious 'Lost Boys 2: The Tribe', Edgar Frog is still living in a trailer, and still quite interested in comics. He also still hunts down the undead. We get a good look at what happened to poor old Alan Frog (he's now a vamp, but trying to be good), and Sam apparently bit the dust in a vamp hunt, making Edgar persona non grata with Sam's mother Lucy, his brother Michael and ex-vamps - now part of the one big, happy family - Star and Laddie (I think that's right...).
Anyway, some guys are taking some weird drug which is actually vampire blood, turning people into vamps, blah kidnap plot, blah Edgar to the rescue, blah reality TV douchebag, blah old original vampire, blah a rave, blah sexy pseudo-lesbian vampires, blah big fight, blah sequel-hook end twist. Yawn, yawn, yawn.
Is it any good? Well, it's stupid, almost self-referentially so. AND it's a damn sight better than the smoking turkey that was Lost Boys 2 (which was only saved from oblivion by Tom Savini's brief appearance). Look one night, get some stocks of the old grown-up grape juice in, pour some healthy glasses and fire up the Frog Saga in one sitting. I think the drunker you are, the more these films can be enjoyed.
2 Stars
Repo: The Genetic Opera
Okay, it's not really horror, I guess, or sci-fi really, or a standard opera, or...
Hell, I don't know just what in the f#ck Repo is, but I'm sneaking it in here for the gore and body horror links that would make Eli Roth throw his guts.
Repo: The Genetic Opera is an opera in film form, built to appeal to a modern sensibility. So, yeah no La Traviata or Marriage of Figaro here boys and girls, but rather RAWK! DRUGZ! BOOTZ! CORSETZ! GAW! GUTZ! and THAT GUY FROM BUFFY! I'm gonna go into a fair bit of detail on this one.
Repo is set in the near-ish future after a plague that caused organ failures to be pandemic. A company rises out of the carnage - GeneCo - headed up by the mean as a cut snake Rotti Largo. GeneCo can sell you organs, but can also repossess them if you fall behind in your payments. Enter the Repo Man, whose secret identity is Nathan Wallace, father of the main character, sickened teen Shiloh Wallace. Oh this is a twisted, sordid story indeed. To see how twisted and sordid, here's a bit of a character rundown;
Is it any good? F#ck yeah! Have you not been listening to me? Why are you still reading this? Run out now and buy a copy.
4 Stars (when I rein in my enthusiasm)
Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling
Is it horror? Well, it's definitely supernatural. It's got vampires and demons in it, so... shut up.
The missus and I tend to watch this episode when we've already had a few heavies under our belt. Why? Because it's a heap of fun and it's a perfect episode of the series in many ways - it ably continues the season's plot threads, it presents moments light, poignant and deeply dark and messed up, and it has one of the neatest gimmicks in a TV series EVAR. That's right, they sing. It's a musical episode. The singing is not just tacked on for no reason. Within the logic of the Buffyverse, it is worked in quite neatly - someone has summoned a demon that makes you sing and dance, revealing your deepest secrets, and you keep singing and dancing until you burn. The demon in question, Sweet, is still one of my favourite Buffyverse villains, only decisively beaten by Mayor Wilkins.
While not every cast member of BtVS is a song and dance professional, they all do their best. Tony Head (Giles) gets to show off his damned sexy singer-guy stuff, turning all the nerdgirls watching into a gooey mess (and probably a few of the nerdguys as well). Amber Benson (Tara) belts out a few good solid numbers, while series second bananas Nicholas Brendon (Xander), Emma Caulfield (Anya) and Michelle Trachtenberg (Dawn) all get to show up the strengths they have. Fan favourite characters and series heroes are a bit more of a mixed bag. Sarah Michelle Gellar does the best she can for Buffy, but it's a bit patchy. Alyson Hannigan/Denisof (Willow) does her best to hide that she can't sing, and the very idea terrifies her, while James Marsters (Spike) delivers a number that remains the subject of internet memes to this day.
After some numbers both perky and sombre, it all comes to a head and secrets are revealed, leaving the characters all feeling like they've been sucker-punched.
Is it any good? If I were to list my top ten favourite episodes of the series, 'Once More With Feeling' would always be in there, along with 'Restless', 'The Body' and 'Hush'.
4 Stars
Salem's Lot
Now we didn't watch all of this. We picked up from about where we left off when we started watching it 3-4 years ago, and also stopped at some half way point. Truth be told, we just wanted to watch the bit where the kid's floating outside his brother's bedroom window, all pale, yellow-eyed and vampiric. You know, the bit that they riffed on in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Yeah, that one.
I have mixed attitudes to Stephen King. I must confess that I've never read any of his books, but I have seen a few of his films. Salem's Lot has a couple of really nice moments in a yawning ocean of tedium, wherein you have to suffer through endless replayings of Stephen King's ideas on ordinary Americans. Clichés and stereotypes that (apparently) permeate much of his work.
This is probably why we only watch snippets of it every three years or so. James Mason though, is quite effective as the complete bastard minder of the Big Bad.
Is it any good? For the very patient vampire fan and for Stephen King fanatics, yeah. For everyone else, it's better than valium.
2 Stars
The Last Exorcism
Since I threw caution to the wind and adopted a more atheistic bent in my life, I generally find devil movies to be a little silly. There are exceptions, but generally those exceptions are very, very good films.
The Last Exorcism starts out with a neat hook, that few others do. Our hero, Cotton Marcus (a riff on infamous witch hunter Cotton Mather?), is a former evangelist fire and brimstone PREEE-CHUH MAAAN. He also used to do exorcisms. So, most of the early part of the movie is spent with Cotton explaining that his heart's no longer in being a professional liar and ratbag, and showing us some of the neat tricks that the holy frauds use to gull the irredeemably stupid.
Neat.
Cotton decides to do one last exorcism, so wends his way down to the deep south for a meeting with demon-plagued innocent teen Ashley Sweetzer.
Well, of course one thing leads to another, and before you know she's up to her eyeballs in the devil greeblies. Stuff happens, there's a foretelling of the cast's death, and they all seem to come true, with a big twist revelation saved up for the last ten minutes.
I guess the thing for me about modern films, especially demon/haunting films, is that they make almost no sense. They're rarely explained in any clear sense, but heavily rely on some kind of invisible infrastructure which I'm sure made sense to the screenwriter, director and cast, but makes sweet F.A. of sense to me.
No exorcism has ever turned up anything that could not be explained by psychosis or fraudulent behaviour. The FBI did an intensive investigation into the satanic incest/kidnapping cult phenomena of the late 80's/early 90's and found... nothing. Each case revealed the same level of psychosis or outright lying. American Christians seem to want to be possessed and are prepared to lose their minds or lie to get the attention.
Is this film REALLY any good? Yeah, it is. The film, right up to the last ten minutes is actually quite engaging and more than a little creepy. The shock twist ending is a bullshit deus ex machina that cheapens the interplay of Ashley's seemingly real possession and Cotton's confirmed scepticism.
3 Stars
Lost Boys 3: The Thirst
'Cryyyy litttle sister! Thou shalt not...' Oh shit sorry, didn't see you there, lost in some deep nostalgia for an age when both Coreys were alive and hadn't been introduced to old Uncle Charlie. 'Lost Boys 3: The Thirst' is, I hope obviously, the second sequel to the vampire hit of the 80's 'The Lost Boys'.
Picking up from the boldly atrocious 'Lost Boys 2: The Tribe', Edgar Frog is still living in a trailer, and still quite interested in comics. He also still hunts down the undead. We get a good look at what happened to poor old Alan Frog (he's now a vamp, but trying to be good), and Sam apparently bit the dust in a vamp hunt, making Edgar persona non grata with Sam's mother Lucy, his brother Michael and ex-vamps - now part of the one big, happy family - Star and Laddie (I think that's right...).
Anyway, some guys are taking some weird drug which
Is it any good? Well, it's stupid, almost self-referentially so. AND it's a damn sight better than the smoking turkey that was Lost Boys 2 (which was only saved from oblivion by Tom Savini's brief appearance). Look one night, get some stocks of the old grown-up grape juice in, pour some healthy glasses and fire up the Frog Saga in one sitting. I think the drunker you are, the more these films can be enjoyed.
2 Stars
Okay, it's not really horror, I guess, or sci-fi really, or a standard opera, or...
Hell, I don't know just what in the f#ck Repo is, but I'm sneaking it in here for the gore and body horror links that would make Eli Roth throw his guts.
Repo: The Genetic Opera is an opera in film form, built to appeal to a modern sensibility. So, yeah no La Traviata or Marriage of Figaro here boys and girls, but rather RAWK! DRUGZ! BOOTZ! CORSETZ! GAW! GUTZ! and THAT GUY FROM BUFFY! I'm gonna go into a fair bit of detail on this one.
Repo is set in the near-ish future after a plague that caused organ failures to be pandemic. A company rises out of the carnage - GeneCo - headed up by the mean as a cut snake Rotti Largo. GeneCo can sell you organs, but can also repossess them if you fall behind in your payments. Enter the Repo Man, whose secret identity is Nathan Wallace, father of the main character, sickened teen Shiloh Wallace. Oh this is a twisted, sordid story indeed. To see how twisted and sordid, here's a bit of a character rundown;
- Shiloh Wallace: Played by Alexa Vega who was 20 at the time to Shiloh's 17. Shiloh's got a blood disease inherited from her mother who died giving birth to her. Her dad is Nathan Wallace. She hates her mother, feels stifled by her father, and is a big fan of Blind Mag.
- Rotti Largo: The evil pig head of GeneCo, and played by Paul Sorvino, actor and trained opera singer, who trained himself to overcome ASTHMA to sing. This guy must have stones of steel. May be known to some as the guy who played daddy Capulet in 'Romeo + Juliet'. Rotti has three kids - Luigi, Pavi and Amber - all human garbage in one form or another. He also poisoned Marni Wallace - Nathan's wife/Shiloh's mother - when she spurned him. What a bucket of crap this character is. Sorvino's got an awesome voice and big thumbs up for overcoming asthma.
- Nathan Wallace: Played by fangasm pin-up boy Anthony Head. Honestly, Repo Man, Frank N' Further, Rupert Giles, Headmaster Finch, Tony Head must be a total nerdgirl magnet. Jeez, he even turns my head! Anyway Nathan is secretly the Repo Man, collecting organs from live and unwilling customers for GeneCo. He is also victim to being overcome by a ruthless and cruel split personality he calls 'the monster'. He was made to think Marni's death was his fault, and was press-ganged into being a Repo Man by Rotti. Sucks to be him...
- Blind Mag: Played by light opera songstress Sarah Brightman. In her 50's, I must say that Brightman can still fill out a Goth corset quite pleasingly. Blind Mag was Marni's best friend. Rotti and GeneCo gave her new eyes, in return for a permanent contract as GeneCo's pet celebrity. You're seeing how this Rotti guy is a bit of a prick yeah? She's also Shiloh's godmother and was told by Nathan that Shiloh died when Marni did.
- Luigi, Pavi and Amber Sweet: Rotti's three grotesque, spoiled kids, played by (are you ready for this?) - Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre and Paris Hilton. Yeah, I know right? Okay Bill Moseley, known for big roles and small in Texas Chainsaw Massacre II, House of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects and SO much more. He's a horror veteran pendejo! Nivek Ogre, who's mainly known as a muso, having worked with a few little bands, maybe you've heard of them - Skinny Puppy, Ministry, Revolting Cocks and KMFDM. Then there's dear old Paris who read the script for Repo while she was IN JAIL!! Awesome. All three kids - murderous Luigi, face-stealing narcissistic Pavi and surgery addict/drug addict/ho Amber want to take over GeneCo when daddy kicks the bucket.
Is it any good? F#ck yeah! Have you not been listening to me? Why are you still reading this? Run out now and buy a copy.
4 Stars (when I rein in my enthusiasm)
Is it horror? Well, it's definitely supernatural. It's got vampires and demons in it, so... shut up.
The missus and I tend to watch this episode when we've already had a few heavies under our belt. Why? Because it's a heap of fun and it's a perfect episode of the series in many ways - it ably continues the season's plot threads, it presents moments light, poignant and deeply dark and messed up, and it has one of the neatest gimmicks in a TV series EVAR. That's right, they sing. It's a musical episode. The singing is not just tacked on for no reason. Within the logic of the Buffyverse, it is worked in quite neatly - someone has summoned a demon that makes you sing and dance, revealing your deepest secrets, and you keep singing and dancing until you burn. The demon in question, Sweet, is still one of my favourite Buffyverse villains, only decisively beaten by Mayor Wilkins.
While not every cast member of BtVS is a song and dance professional, they all do their best. Tony Head (Giles) gets to show off his damned sexy singer-guy stuff, turning all the nerdgirls watching into a gooey mess (and probably a few of the nerdguys as well). Amber Benson (Tara) belts out a few good solid numbers, while series second bananas Nicholas Brendon (Xander), Emma Caulfield (Anya) and Michelle Trachtenberg (Dawn) all get to show up the strengths they have. Fan favourite characters and series heroes are a bit more of a mixed bag. Sarah Michelle Gellar does the best she can for Buffy, but it's a bit patchy. Alyson Hannigan/Denisof (Willow) does her best to hide that she can't sing, and the very idea terrifies her, while James Marsters (Spike) delivers a number that remains the subject of internet memes to this day.
After some numbers both perky and sombre, it all comes to a head and secrets are revealed, leaving the characters all feeling like they've been sucker-punched.
Is it any good? If I were to list my top ten favourite episodes of the series, 'Once More With Feeling' would always be in there, along with 'Restless', 'The Body' and 'Hush'.
4 Stars
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Episode II: Attack of the Crapapalooza
And we're back y'all, for part 2 of 'What my lovely wife and I did on our Easter break'.
Let's get into the madness.
The Grudge
This is a remake of the original 'Ju-On'. I've never seen all of the original I must admit, but I have seen clips of the scarier bits. I may be committing an act of utmost Japanophile blasphemy here, but I prefer this version, the remake.
I don't own a lot of J-Horror, but the two I do possess - The Grudge and Ring - got an outing over Easter. The Grudge is really creepy, with a lot of moments designed to evacuate the old back door. Being a Sam Raimi produced remake, his bro Ted gets an outing. Being a bit steamed when we watched this, I did find I was referring to the characters by roles they were known for elsewhere. Except for Bill Pullman, because I can never remember any of his other roles by name, but Joxer the Mighty and Buffy sure got referred to a lot.
You may notice, I have not said much about the film itself. Well, no.
Look, just see it. It's good and it's creepy, and there's some nasty stuff in there. Turn the lights out and press play...
3 Stars
Paranormal Activity 2
The bookending prequel/sequel to the much-vaunted Paranormal Activity.
I have a confession to make. I think Paranormal Activity was pants. It took what could have been a nice ghost film, and made it into a $h!thouse devil movie. I could ask why a demon likes to just slam doors, why it has chicken feet, or why it sets ouija boards on fire, if demons apparently need them to talk to you (cue the American Christian Brigade: 'It's the DAAAAAYYYVIL'S AAAAAUUUURRAKULLL!!).
Paranormal Activity 2 takes the shortcomings of the first film and bravely tries to make them worse. Again, we have a cynical husband. Again, we have a wife that the mean husband just doesn't believe. However this time, we have a whiny teenager, a baby and a dog! Hooray!
PA2 tries to explain why PA1 happened, which I find irritating on two levels. First, I don't necessarily NEED to know why everything happens in a film, I'm prepared to trust that sometimes, demons are just bastards, or that a house is just haunted. The second reason the film irritated me was simply this: Once it's explained and all the ramifications are played out, you don't actually need to have seen the first film. PA2 cheapens PA1 and makes it irrelevant, which is like inviting everyone over for a swim, and then pissing in your own pool.
Is it any good? It's... okaaaaay. I would probably recommend seeing the first one and skipping this.
2 Stars
Ring
Ring was arguably the film that introduced J-Horror to us gaijin. It may not have been, but I vaguely remember it that way, so I'm saying it's true.
So, go on, ask me why you should see Ring and not The Ring, which is the US remake. Go on. Anyone? You at the back? Thank you.
You should see Ring because it is awesome, because it will f#ck your lily-livered $h!t up. I've seen a lot of scary movies in my time. Very few made me jump out of my seat, but Ring is one of those spring-loaded films.
Now, I'm aware that I said I preferred The Grudge to Ju-On. That's an exception, now here's the rule - the US is generally pretty crappy at remaking foreign films. Sure, there are exceptions, there always are, but not here. People who like The Ring over Ring are the same people who like Asti Spumante over Bollinger. Ring is the real deal people! The absolute, certified, brown undercarriage champion of Teh Skary.
Is it good? F#ck yeah.
4 Stars
The Thing
After basted turkeys like Lycanthropy, we wanted something truly creepy, so out came John Carpenter's masterpiece of terror, The Thing, a loose remake of the old 50's sci-fi cheese-fest 'Thing From Another World', but more closely based on the original story 'Who Goes There?'
I saw The Thing when I was but a wee item. So many of the gross and grislies of the film are images that have stayed with me forever. Many people give Carpenter $h!t, saying he's a hack and holding up Ghosts of Mars as Exhibit A. These people are liars, and are trying to lure you away from true moments of pure genius with their lying liar's lies.
The Thing is BRILL-I-ANT. A true gem in the horror genre, with a nice criss-cross to sci-fi, just to bring the neighbours over ('Hi Sci-Fi!' 'Hi Horror, how's it going?'). It is gory, creepy AND suspenseful. How many of your super-duper, sepia-tone, grainy-shot, torture porn yawn fests can say that huh? Exactly.
Is it any good? Yes, screw them liars and their lying lies. See it! Then go watch Halloween.
4 Stars
John Carpenter's Vampires
Okay, so I've just lauded John Carpenter to the heavens. Now here's a reason that the lying liars and their lying lies might have a point.
JC's Vampires is a ludicrously macho and misogynistic vehicle for James Woods to chew scenery, a style of acting that is his oeuvre. Seriously, the James Woods School of Grimacing and Biting Corners off Scenery would show this at their school.
The always hilarious Mark Boone Junior sadly dies off too early, leaving us stuck with the chubby Baldwin instead. Sheryl Lee has little to do but wiggle her buttocks as Hooker-Being-Turned-Into-Vampire-and-Occasional-Macho-Bitchslapping-Receiver, which is sad. I always thought that Sheryl Lee never got a real chance to develop as an actress.
As a Vampire film, it's... well, okay it IS interesting. It's rare you see vampire hunters presented so, well, realistically. The vampires are cyphers here, shadowy ghoulish threats. The Big Bad, ubervamp Valek is a floating evil ghoul of a vampire who, in one memorable scene, reminds us exactly why 20 hunters to one old vampire is almost equal. And he looks creepy.
Is it any good? You know, kinda. It improves with beer, I'll admit, but it's not VERY awful, just sorta awful.
2 Stars, 3 Stars with 3+ beers under your belt
Let's get into the madness.
The Grudge
This is a remake of the original 'Ju-On'. I've never seen all of the original I must admit, but I have seen clips of the scarier bits. I may be committing an act of utmost Japanophile blasphemy here, but I prefer this version, the remake.
I don't own a lot of J-Horror, but the two I do possess - The Grudge and Ring - got an outing over Easter. The Grudge is really creepy, with a lot of moments designed to evacuate the old back door. Being a Sam Raimi produced remake, his bro Ted gets an outing. Being a bit steamed when we watched this, I did find I was referring to the characters by roles they were known for elsewhere. Except for Bill Pullman, because I can never remember any of his other roles by name, but Joxer the Mighty and Buffy sure got referred to a lot.
You may notice, I have not said much about the film itself. Well, no.
Look, just see it. It's good and it's creepy, and there's some nasty stuff in there. Turn the lights out and press play...
3 Stars
Paranormal Activity 2The bookending prequel/sequel to the much-vaunted Paranormal Activity.
I have a confession to make. I think Paranormal Activity was pants. It took what could have been a nice ghost film, and made it into a $h!thouse devil movie. I could ask why a demon likes to just slam doors, why it has chicken feet, or why it sets ouija boards on fire, if demons apparently need them to talk to you (cue the American Christian Brigade: 'It's the DAAAAAYYYVIL'S AAAAAUUUURRAKULLL!!).
Paranormal Activity 2 takes the shortcomings of the first film and bravely tries to make them worse. Again, we have a cynical husband. Again, we have a wife that the mean husband just doesn't believe. However this time, we have a whiny teenager, a baby and a dog! Hooray!
PA2 tries to explain why PA1 happened, which I find irritating on two levels. First, I don't necessarily NEED to know why everything happens in a film, I'm prepared to trust that sometimes, demons are just bastards, or that a house is just haunted. The second reason the film irritated me was simply this: Once it's explained and all the ramifications are played out, you don't actually need to have seen the first film. PA2 cheapens PA1 and makes it irrelevant, which is like inviting everyone over for a swim, and then pissing in your own pool.
Is it any good? It's... okaaaaay. I would probably recommend seeing the first one and skipping this.
2 Stars
Ring
Ring was arguably the film that introduced J-Horror to us gaijin. It may not have been, but I vaguely remember it that way, so I'm saying it's true.
So, go on, ask me why you should see Ring and not The Ring, which is the US remake. Go on. Anyone? You at the back? Thank you.
You should see Ring because it is awesome, because it will f#ck your lily-livered $h!t up. I've seen a lot of scary movies in my time. Very few made me jump out of my seat, but Ring is one of those spring-loaded films.
Now, I'm aware that I said I preferred The Grudge to Ju-On. That's an exception, now here's the rule - the US is generally pretty crappy at remaking foreign films. Sure, there are exceptions, there always are, but not here. People who like The Ring over Ring are the same people who like Asti Spumante over Bollinger. Ring is the real deal people! The absolute, certified, brown undercarriage champion of Teh Skary.
Is it good? F#ck yeah.
4 Stars
The Thing
After basted turkeys like Lycanthropy, we wanted something truly creepy, so out came John Carpenter's masterpiece of terror, The Thing, a loose remake of the old 50's sci-fi cheese-fest 'Thing From Another World', but more closely based on the original story 'Who Goes There?'
I saw The Thing when I was but a wee item. So many of the gross and grislies of the film are images that have stayed with me forever. Many people give Carpenter $h!t, saying he's a hack and holding up Ghosts of Mars as Exhibit A. These people are liars, and are trying to lure you away from true moments of pure genius with their lying liar's lies.
The Thing is BRILL-I-ANT. A true gem in the horror genre, with a nice criss-cross to sci-fi, just to bring the neighbours over ('Hi Sci-Fi!' 'Hi Horror, how's it going?'). It is gory, creepy AND suspenseful. How many of your super-duper, sepia-tone, grainy-shot, torture porn yawn fests can say that huh? Exactly.
Is it any good? Yes, screw them liars and their lying lies. See it! Then go watch Halloween.
4 Stars
John Carpenter's Vampires
Okay, so I've just lauded John Carpenter to the heavens. Now here's a reason that the lying liars and their lying lies might have a point.
JC's Vampires is a ludicrously macho and misogynistic vehicle for James Woods to chew scenery, a style of acting that is his oeuvre. Seriously, the James Woods School of Grimacing and Biting Corners off Scenery would show this at their school.
The always hilarious Mark Boone Junior sadly dies off too early, leaving us stuck with the chubby Baldwin instead. Sheryl Lee has little to do but wiggle her buttocks as Hooker-Being-Turned-Into-Vampire-and-Occasional-Macho-Bitchslapping-Receiver, which is sad. I always thought that Sheryl Lee never got a real chance to develop as an actress.
As a Vampire film, it's... well, okay it IS interesting. It's rare you see vampire hunters presented so, well, realistically. The vampires are cyphers here, shadowy ghoulish threats. The Big Bad, ubervamp Valek is a floating evil ghoul of a vampire who, in one memorable scene, reminds us exactly why 20 hunters to one old vampire is almost equal. And he looks creepy.
Is it any good? You know, kinda. It improves with beer, I'll admit, but it's not VERY awful, just sorta awful.
2 Stars, 3 Stars with 3+ beers under your belt
Episode I: The Crapapalooza Menace
So, this is my first post throwing the alphabeticism (I don't know if that's a word, but if not, I like it) out the window.
Over the Easter break myself and the beloved significant other sat down with a mission: to watch horror movies good and awful over the long 5 day break.
Here are the edited highlights (and many, many lowlights).
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Following on from the 'Blair Witch mania' engendered by the original film, 'the Blair Witch Project' the sequel ditches documentary stylings to give us a straight dramatisation, with a slight dash of handycam badness for flavour. We have 5 main characters - Nutbar A-Hole leads a 'Blair Witch tour', and has along as his guests on this, his first outing, the following: Academic Research Husband, Academic Research Wife, Jaded Cynical Goth Chick with minor Psychic Tendencies, and Fer Reelz Wiccan Witch Hippy Gal. The five saunter off into the Maryland woods, get absolutely shickered, then pass out.
Waking up, the campsite is a mess. Going back to Nutjob A-Hole's abandoned factory/house, things slowly fall apart as characters a) have miscarriages, b) die, c) disappear or d) go crazy-eight bonkers. Reviewing footage, they realise they; a) got really drunk, b) stripped naked, c) had mad orgy f#ck-lunacy with each other, d) killed the other tour group nearby and e) reversed time with black magic.
Yeah, I've been to a few parties like that. The hangover's a killer.
Is it any good? You know what? No, it isn't. The immediacy and engaging creeps of the first film have been replaced with a glossy, low-budget cash-in of a follow-up. However, there are some sneaky hints, clues and buried visual teasers in the film that spell out a message that runs backwards through the film, which - credit where credit's due - is pretty clever.
1 Star
The Exorcist (Director's Cut)
Ever seen a devil horror film? No? Then start here. This film is amazing. This is THE seminal horror film about the devil and possession. The pacing is measured and the horror builds in a determined, incremental way.
Regan McNeil's descent into full-blown possession is incredible, and even though the voice of the demon was dubbed on, Linda Blair's performance is just amazingly scary. Similar props have to be given to Max Von Sydow and Jason Miller as Fathers Merrin and Karras respectively.
Is it any good? Oh, hell yeah. You won't regret it, SEE THIS FILM.
5 Stars
Eternal Blood
Set in modern day Chile, the story revolves around Goth college student 'M' (as in Fritz Lang's 'M'?) who runs a game of 'Sangre Eterna' or Eternal Blood, a vampire roleplaying game, which, if it isn't meant to be White Wolf's Vampire: The Masquerade, I'll eat my own bottom. His mates Elizabeth (Bathory perhaps?) and Martin (like the Romero movie?) are then joined by new girl Carmilla (Karnstein perhaps?), who is the favourite student of professor Romero (you see where this is going, yeah?).
The gang of crazy Vampire: The… uh, Eternal Blood players are all such Gothy Goths, they may even shit bats. Seriously, from the clothes to the music, to the drugs, to the taffy-pulling/fly-swatting dance moves, to the casual sexual libertinism, to the Goth club that looks like every Goth club I've ever seen after 2am, these guys are either the most overt caracitures of Goths I've ever seen, or the most faithful and literal representation of Chile's clichéd Goth scene.
M and his band of Camarilla… uh, sorry Eternal Blood players, meet up with Dahmer (is that a shock?), a local Elizabethan ruff wearing Goth-man, who gives them really cool drugs. Oh and he has a Punk/Goth/Rivethead as a tough, kickass offsider.
BUT! Is Dahmer a fer reelz Vampire? Yes! No! Maybe! Who's a liar? Who's insane? Who's really truly back from the dead? It's anyone's guess!
Is it any good? No, unless you're a vampire movie fan with very forgiving tastes (like Twilight fans), a Goth who likes seeing films try to represent Goths, or a roleplayer of vampiric games into the Telling of Stories TM, who got the shits watching Kindred: The Embraced.
2 Stars
The Return of Count Yorga
And now let's jump in our trusty TARDIS/DeLorean and travel back to the heady days of 1971. The Return of Count Yorga (hereafter TRoCY for short) is a sequel to Count Yorga, Vampire (or CY,V) made the previous year in 1970.
Count Yorga has moved into a new castle, and is immediately smitten with a woman who is so much of a cypher, I'm calling her Victim Girl. This should raise alarm bells immediately for any one who's seen CY,V, because at the end of that cinematic classic, Yorga kicks the old blood-filled bucket.
Still, his return sees him doing what vampires normally do when in love - kidnap his beloved, brainwash her and hold her captive, and brutally murder her whole family. Vampires seem to have an unusual, and possibly not fully orthodox definition of the word 'love' (yes, I'm looking at YOU Cullen). And of course, it ends the way these things often end - not good for pretty much everybody.
Is it any good? Yeah, no, not really. The first one was a bit better, but honestly, if you're after a cheesy vampire movie set in the 70's, go see Blacula or The Velvet Vampire, or anything with the name 'Jess Franco' attached to it. TRoCY is just a little bit pants.
2 Stars
Lycanthropy
This was a blind purchase from the $2 movie bin in my local supermarket - the same place I buy cans of Mother to recover from the casks of goon I also buy there. Obviously then, I expect anything from the local supermarket to occasionally bring me some measure of pain.
I purchased this lemming of a film on the mistaken belief that it may have been a werewolf movie. It's not.
Is it any good? No. I think I got burned to the tune of $1.76 watching this. Oh and it's got the guy who plays Argus Filch from Harry Potter in it.
1 Star
So, see you in Part 2.
Over the Easter break myself and the beloved significant other sat down with a mission: to watch horror movies good and awful over the long 5 day break.
Here are the edited highlights (and many, many lowlights).
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Following on from the 'Blair Witch mania' engendered by the original film, 'the Blair Witch Project' the sequel ditches documentary stylings to give us a straight dramatisation, with a slight dash of handycam badness for flavour. We have 5 main characters - Nutbar A-Hole leads a 'Blair Witch tour', and has along as his guests on this, his first outing, the following: Academic Research Husband, Academic Research Wife, Jaded Cynical Goth Chick with minor Psychic Tendencies, and Fer Reelz Wiccan Witch Hippy Gal. The five saunter off into the Maryland woods, get absolutely shickered, then pass out.
Waking up, the campsite is a mess. Going back to Nutjob A-Hole's abandoned factory/house, things slowly fall apart as characters a) have miscarriages, b) die, c) disappear or d) go crazy-eight bonkers. Reviewing footage, they realise they; a) got really drunk, b) stripped naked, c) had mad orgy f#ck-lunacy with each other, d) killed the other tour group nearby and e) reversed time with black magic.
Yeah, I've been to a few parties like that. The hangover's a killer.
Is it any good? You know what? No, it isn't. The immediacy and engaging creeps of the first film have been replaced with a glossy, low-budget cash-in of a follow-up. However, there are some sneaky hints, clues and buried visual teasers in the film that spell out a message that runs backwards through the film, which - credit where credit's due - is pretty clever.
1 Star
The Exorcist (Director's Cut)
Ever seen a devil horror film? No? Then start here. This film is amazing. This is THE seminal horror film about the devil and possession. The pacing is measured and the horror builds in a determined, incremental way.
Regan McNeil's descent into full-blown possession is incredible, and even though the voice of the demon was dubbed on, Linda Blair's performance is just amazingly scary. Similar props have to be given to Max Von Sydow and Jason Miller as Fathers Merrin and Karras respectively.
Is it any good? Oh, hell yeah. You won't regret it, SEE THIS FILM.
5 Stars
Eternal Blood
Set in modern day Chile, the story revolves around Goth college student 'M' (as in Fritz Lang's 'M'?) who runs a game of 'Sangre Eterna' or Eternal Blood, a vampire roleplaying game, which, if it isn't meant to be White Wolf's Vampire: The Masquerade, I'll eat my own bottom. His mates Elizabeth (Bathory perhaps?) and Martin (like the Romero movie?) are then joined by new girl Carmilla (Karnstein perhaps?), who is the favourite student of professor Romero (you see where this is going, yeah?).
The gang of crazy Vampire: The… uh, Eternal Blood players are all such Gothy Goths, they may even shit bats. Seriously, from the clothes to the music, to the drugs, to the taffy-pulling/fly-swatting dance moves, to the casual sexual libertinism, to the Goth club that looks like every Goth club I've ever seen after 2am, these guys are either the most overt caracitures of Goths I've ever seen, or the most faithful and literal representation of Chile's clichéd Goth scene.
M and his band of Camarilla… uh, sorry Eternal Blood players, meet up with Dahmer (is that a shock?), a local Elizabethan ruff wearing Goth-man, who gives them really cool drugs. Oh and he has a Punk/Goth/Rivethead as a tough, kickass offsider.
BUT! Is Dahmer a fer reelz Vampire? Yes! No! Maybe! Who's a liar? Who's insane? Who's really truly back from the dead? It's anyone's guess!
Is it any good? No, unless you're a vampire movie fan with very forgiving tastes (like Twilight fans), a Goth who likes seeing films try to represent Goths, or a roleplayer of vampiric games into the Telling of Stories TM, who got the shits watching Kindred: The Embraced.
2 Stars
The Return of Count Yorga
And now let's jump in our trusty TARDIS/DeLorean and travel back to the heady days of 1971. The Return of Count Yorga (hereafter TRoCY for short) is a sequel to Count Yorga, Vampire (or CY,V) made the previous year in 1970.
Count Yorga has moved into a new castle, and is immediately smitten with a woman who is so much of a cypher, I'm calling her Victim Girl. This should raise alarm bells immediately for any one who's seen CY,V, because at the end of that cinematic classic, Yorga kicks the old blood-filled bucket.
Still, his return sees him doing what vampires normally do when in love - kidnap his beloved, brainwash her and hold her captive, and brutally murder her whole family. Vampires seem to have an unusual, and possibly not fully orthodox definition of the word 'love' (yes, I'm looking at YOU Cullen). And of course, it ends the way these things often end - not good for pretty much everybody.
Is it any good? Yeah, no, not really. The first one was a bit better, but honestly, if you're after a cheesy vampire movie set in the 70's, go see Blacula or The Velvet Vampire, or anything with the name 'Jess Franco' attached to it. TRoCY is just a little bit pants.
2 Stars
LycanthropyThis was a blind purchase from the $2 movie bin in my local supermarket - the same place I buy cans of Mother to recover from the casks of goon I also buy there. Obviously then, I expect anything from the local supermarket to occasionally bring me some measure of pain.
I purchased this lemming of a film on the mistaken belief that it may have been a werewolf movie. It's not.
Is it any good? No. I think I got burned to the tune of $1.76 watching this. Oh and it's got the guy who plays Argus Filch from Harry Potter in it.
1 Star
So, see you in Part 2.
A long time out in the cold
It has been a long time since I updated the A to Z, so I thought I'd return with a bit of a revisitation in my approach to the poor old neglected blog. From now on, I think I'm going to more randomly cover the old collection, but also broaden the scope a bit to include random bits of non-movie horror as well.
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