Episode III: Revenge of the Crapapalooza

Okay so here I am with what I think is the last installment of 'Shit me and the missus watched over Easter'. Let's get down to it shall we?


Salem's Lot

Now we didn't watch all of this. We picked up from about where we left off when we started watching it 3-4 years ago, and also stopped at some half way point. Truth be told, we just wanted to watch the bit where the kid's floating outside his brother's bedroom window, all pale, yellow-eyed and vampiric. You know, the bit that they riffed on in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Yeah, that one.

I have mixed attitudes to Stephen King. I must confess that I've never read any of his books, but I have seen a few of his films. Salem's Lot has a couple of really nice moments in a yawning ocean of tedium, wherein you have to suffer through endless replayings of Stephen King's ideas on ordinary Americans. Clichés and stereotypes that (apparently) permeate much of his work.

This is probably why we only watch snippets of it every three years or so. James Mason though, is quite effective as the complete bastard minder of the Big Bad.

Is it any good? For the very patient vampire fan and for Stephen King fanatics, yeah. For everyone else, it's better than valium.

2 Stars



The Last Exorcism

Since I threw caution to the wind and adopted a more atheistic bent in my life, I generally find devil movies to be a little silly. There are exceptions, but generally those exceptions are very, very good films.

The Last Exorcism starts out with a neat hook, that few others do. Our hero, Cotton Marcus (a riff on infamous witch hunter Cotton Mather?), is a former evangelist fire and brimstone PREEE-CHUH MAAAN. He also used to do exorcisms. So, most of the early part of the movie is spent with Cotton explaining that his heart's no longer in being a professional liar and ratbag, and showing us some of the neat tricks that the holy frauds use to gull the irredeemably stupid.

Neat.

Cotton decides to do one last exorcism, so wends his way down to the deep south for a meeting with demon-plagued innocent teen Ashley Sweetzer.

Well, of course one thing leads to another, and before you know she's up to her eyeballs in the devil greeblies. Stuff happens, there's a foretelling of the cast's death, and they all seem to come true, with a big twist revelation saved up for the last ten minutes.

I guess the thing for me about modern films, especially demon/haunting films, is that they make almost no sense. They're rarely explained in any clear sense, but heavily rely on some kind of invisible infrastructure which I'm sure made sense to the screenwriter, director and cast, but makes sweet F.A. of sense to me.

No exorcism has ever turned up anything that could not be explained by psychosis or fraudulent behaviour. The FBI did an intensive investigation into the satanic incest/kidnapping cult phenomena of the late 80's/early 90's and found... nothing. Each case revealed the same level of psychosis or outright lying. American Christians seem to want to be possessed and are prepared to lose their minds or lie to get the attention.

Is this film REALLY any good? Yeah, it is. The film, right up to the last ten minutes is actually quite engaging and more than a little creepy. The shock twist ending is a bullshit deus ex machina that cheapens the interplay of Ashley's seemingly real possession and Cotton's confirmed scepticism.

3 Stars



Lost Boys 3: The Thirst

'Cryyyy litttle sister! Thou shalt not...' Oh shit sorry, didn't see you there, lost in some deep nostalgia for an age when both Coreys were alive and hadn't been introduced to old Uncle Charlie. 'Lost Boys 3: The Thirst' is, I hope obviously, the second sequel to the vampire hit of the 80's 'The Lost Boys'.

Picking up from the boldly atrocious 'Lost Boys 2: The Tribe', Edgar Frog is still living in a trailer, and still quite interested in comics. He also still hunts down the undead. We get a good look at what happened to poor old Alan Frog (he's now a vamp, but trying to be good), and Sam apparently bit the dust in a vamp hunt, making Edgar persona non grata with Sam's mother Lucy, his brother Michael and ex-vamps - now part of the one big, happy family - Star and Laddie (I think that's right...).

Anyway, some guys are taking some weird drug which is actually vampire blood, turning people into vamps, blah kidnap plot, blah Edgar to the rescue, blah reality TV douchebag, blah old original vampire, blah a rave, blah sexy pseudo-lesbian vampires, blah big fight, blah sequel-hook end twist. Yawn, yawn, yawn.

Is it any good? Well, it's stupid, almost self-referentially so. AND it's a damn sight better than the smoking turkey that was Lost Boys 2 (which was only saved from oblivion by Tom Savini's brief appearance). Look one night, get some stocks of the old grown-up grape juice in, pour some healthy glasses and fire up the Frog Saga in one sitting. I think the drunker you are, the more these films can be enjoyed.

2 Stars


Repo: The Genetic Opera

Okay, it's not really horror, I guess, or sci-fi really, or a standard opera, or...

Hell, I don't know just what in the f#ck Repo is, but I'm sneaking it in here for the gore and body horror links that would make Eli Roth throw his guts.

Repo: The Genetic Opera is an opera in film form, built to appeal to a modern sensibility. So, yeah no La Traviata or Marriage of Figaro here boys and girls, but rather RAWK! DRUGZ! BOOTZ! CORSETZ! GAW! GUTZ! and THAT GUY FROM BUFFY! I'm gonna go into a fair bit of detail on this one.

Repo is set in the near-ish future after a plague that caused organ failures to be pandemic. A company rises out of the carnage - GeneCo - headed up by the mean as a cut snake Rotti Largo. GeneCo can sell you organs, but can also repossess them if you fall behind in your payments. Enter the Repo Man, whose secret identity is Nathan Wallace, father of the main character, sickened teen Shiloh Wallace. Oh this is a twisted, sordid story indeed. To see how twisted and sordid, here's a bit of a character rundown;

• Shiloh Wallace: Played by Alexa Vega who was 20 at the time to Shiloh's 17. Shiloh's got a blood disease inherited from her mother who died giving birth to her. Her dad is Nathan Wallace. She hates her mother, feels stifled by her father, and is a big fan of Blind Mag.
  
• Rotti Largo: The evil pig head of GeneCo, and played by Paul Sorvino, actor and trained opera singer, who trained himself to overcome ASTHMA to sing. This guy must have stones of steel. May be known to some as the guy who played daddy Capulet in 'Romeo + Juliet'. Rotti has three kids - Luigi, Pavi and Amber - all human garbage in one form or another. He also poisoned Marni Wallace - Nathan's wife/Shiloh's mother - when she spurned him. What a bucket of crap this character is. Sorvino's got an awesome voice and big thumbs up for overcoming asthma.
• Nathan Wallace: Played by fangasm pin-up boy Anthony Head. Honestly, Repo Man, Frank N' Further, Rupert Giles, Headmaster Finch, Tony Head must be a total nerdgirl magnet. Jeez, he even turns my head! Anyway Nathan is secretly the Repo Man, collecting organs from live and unwilling customers for GeneCo. He is also victim to being overcome by a ruthless and cruel split personality he calls 'the monster'. He was made to think Marni's death was his fault, and was press-ganged into being a Repo Man by Rotti. Sucks to be him...
• Blind Mag: Played by light opera songstress Sarah Brightman. In her 50's, I must say that Brightman can still fill out a Goth corset quite pleasingly. Blind Mag was Marni's best friend. Rotti and GeneCo gave her new eyes, in return for a permanent contract as GeneCo's pet celebrity. You're seeing how this Rotti guy is a bit of a prick yeah? She's also Shiloh's godmother and was told by Nathan that Shiloh died when Marni did.
  
• Luigi, Pavi and Amber Sweet: Rotti's three grotesque, spoiled kids, played by (are you ready for this?) - Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre and Paris Hilton. Yeah, I know right? Okay Bill Moseley, known for big roles and small in Texas Chainsaw Massacre II, House of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects and SO much more. He's a horror veteran pendejo! Nivek Ogre, who's mainly known as a muso, having worked with a few little bands, maybe you've heard of them - Skinny Puppy, Ministry, Revolting Cocks and KMFDM. Then there's dear old Paris who read the script for Repo while she was IN JAIL!! Awesome. All three kids - murderous Luigi, face-stealing narcissistic Pavi and surgery addict/drug addict/ho Amber want to take over GeneCo when daddy kicks the bucket.
  

Look, one thing leads to another, the various plot strands lightly hooked together and narrated upon by co-creator Terrance Zdunich's Graverobber character. There's also a cameo by Joan-Freaking-Jett. It ends with blood, betrayal, and the neat tying up of all plot threads.

Is it any good? F#ck yeah! Have you not been listening to me? Why are you still reading this? Run out now and buy a copy.

4 Stars (when I rein in my enthusiasm)



Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling

Is it horror? Well, it's definitely supernatural. It's got vampires and demons in it, so... shut up.

The missus and I tend to watch this episode when we've already had a few heavies under our belt. Why? Because it's a heap of fun and it's a perfect episode of the series in many ways - it ably continues the season's plot threads, it presents moments light, poignant and deeply dark and messed up, and it has one of the neatest gimmicks in a TV series EVAR. That's right, they sing. It's a musical episode. The singing is not just tacked on for no reason. Within the logic of the Buffyverse, it is worked in quite neatly - someone has summoned a demon that makes you sing and dance, revealing your deepest secrets, and you keep singing and dancing until you burn. The demon in question, Sweet, is still one of my favourite Buffyverse villains, only decisively beaten by Mayor Wilkins.

While not every cast member of BtVS is a song and dance professional, they all do their best. Tony Head (Giles) gets to show off his damned sexy singer-guy stuff, turning all the nerdgirls watching into a gooey mess (and probably a few of the nerdguys as well). Amber Benson (Tara) belts out a few good solid numbers, while series second bananas Nicholas Brendon (Xander), Emma Caulfield (Anya) and Michelle Trachtenberg (Dawn) all get to show up the strengths they have. Fan favourite characters and series heroes are a bit more of a mixed bag. Sarah Michelle Gellar does the best she can for Buffy, but it's a bit patchy. Alyson Hannigan/Denisof (Willow) does her best to hide that she can't sing, and the very idea terrifies her, while James Marsters (Spike) delivers a number that remains the subject of internet memes to this day.

After some numbers both perky and sombre, it all comes to a head and secrets are revealed, leaving the characters all feeling like they've been sucker-punched.

Is it any good? If I were to list my top ten favourite episodes of the series, 'Once More With Feeling' would always be in there, along with 'Restless', 'The Body' and 'Hush'.

4 Stars

Episode II: Attack of the Crapapalooza

And we're back y'all, for part 2 of 'What my lovely wife and I did on our Easter break'.

Let's get into the madness.


The Grudge

This is a remake of the original 'Ju-On'. I've never seen all of the original I must admit, but I have seen clips of the scarier bits. I may be committing an act of utmost Japanophile blasphemy here, but I prefer this version, the remake.

I don't own a lot of J-Horror, but the two I do possess - The Grudge and Ring - got an outing over Easter. The Grudge is really creepy, with a lot of moments designed to evacuate the old back door. Being a Sam Raimi produced remake, his bro Ted gets an outing. Being a bit steamed when we watched this, I did find I was referring to the characters by roles they were known for elsewhere. Except for Bill Pullman, because I can never remember any of his other roles by name, but Joxer the Mighty and Buffy sure got referred to a lot.

You may notice, I have not said much about the film itself. Well, no.

Look, just see it. It's good and it's creepy, and there's some nasty stuff in there. Turn the lights out and press play...

3 Stars

Paranormal Activity 2

The bookending prequel/sequel to the much-vaunted Paranormal Activity.

I have a confession to make. I think Paranormal Activity was pants. It took what could have been a nice ghost film, and made it into a $h!thouse devil movie. I could ask why a demon likes to just slam doors, why it has chicken feet, or why it sets ouija boards on fire, if demons apparently need them to talk to you (cue the American Christian Brigade: 'It's the DAAAAAYYYVIL'S AAAAAUUUURRAKULLL!!).

Paranormal Activity 2 takes the shortcomings of the first film and bravely tries to make them worse. Again, we have a cynical husband. Again, we have a wife that the mean husband just doesn't believe. However this time, we have a whiny teenager, a baby and a dog! Hooray!

PA2 tries to explain why PA1 happened, which I find irritating on two levels. First, I don't necessarily NEED to know why everything happens in a film, I'm prepared to trust that sometimes, demons are just bastards, or that a house is just haunted. The second reason the film irritated me was simply this: Once it's explained and all the ramifications are played out, you don't actually need to have seen the first film. PA2 cheapens PA1 and makes it irrelevant, which is like inviting everyone over for a swim, and then pissing in your own pool.

Is it any good? It's... okaaaaay. I would probably recommend seeing the first one and skipping this.

2 Stars


Ring

Ring was arguably the film that introduced J-Horror to us gaijin. It may not have been, but I vaguely remember it that way, so I'm saying it's true.

So, go on, ask me why you should see Ring and not The Ring, which is the US remake. Go on. Anyone? You at the back? Thank you.

You should see Ring because it is awesome, because it will f#ck your lily-livered $h!t up. I've seen a lot of scary movies in my time. Very few made me jump out of my seat, but Ring is one of those spring-loaded films.

Now, I'm aware that I said I preferred The Grudge to Ju-On. That's an exception, now here's the rule - the US is generally pretty crappy at remaking foreign films. Sure, there are exceptions, there always are, but not here. People who like The Ring over Ring are the same people who like Asti Spumante over Bollinger. Ring is the real deal people! The absolute, certified, brown undercarriage champion of Teh Skary.

Is it good? F#ck yeah.

4 Stars


The Thing

After basted turkeys like Lycanthropy, we wanted something truly creepy, so out came John Carpenter's masterpiece of terror, The Thing, a loose remake of the old 50's sci-fi cheese-fest 'Thing From Another World', but more closely based on the original story 'Who Goes There?'

I saw The Thing when I was but a wee item. So many of the gross and grislies of the film are images that have stayed with me forever. Many people give Carpenter $h!t, saying he's a hack and holding up Ghosts of Mars as Exhibit A. These people are liars, and are trying to lure you away from true moments of pure genius with their lying liar's lies.

The Thing is BRILL-I-ANT. A true gem in the horror genre, with a nice criss-cross to sci-fi, just to bring the neighbours over ('Hi Sci-Fi!' 'Hi Horror, how's it going?'). It is gory, creepy AND suspenseful. How many of your super-duper, sepia-tone, grainy-shot, torture porn yawn fests can say that huh? Exactly.

Is it any good? Yes, screw them liars and their lying lies. See it! Then go watch Halloween.

4 Stars



John Carpenter's Vampires

Okay, so I've just lauded John Carpenter to the heavens. Now here's a reason that the lying liars and their lying lies might have a point.

JC's Vampires is a ludicrously macho and misogynistic vehicle for James Woods to chew scenery, a style of acting that is his oeuvre. Seriously, the James Woods School of Grimacing and Biting Corners off Scenery would show this at their school.

The always hilarious Mark Boone Junior sadly dies off too early, leaving us stuck with the chubby Baldwin instead. Sheryl Lee has little to do but wiggle her buttocks as Hooker-Being-Turned-Into-Vampire-and-Occasional-Macho-Bitchslapping-Receiver, which is sad. I always thought that Sheryl Lee never got a real chance to develop as an actress.

As a Vampire film, it's... well, okay it IS interesting. It's rare you see vampire hunters presented so, well, realistically. The vampires are cyphers here, shadowy ghoulish threats. The Big Bad, ubervamp Valek is a floating evil ghoul of a vampire who, in one memorable scene, reminds us exactly why 20 hunters to one old vampire is almost equal. And he looks creepy.

Is it any good? You know, kinda. It improves with beer, I'll admit, but it's not VERY awful, just sorta awful.

2 Stars, 3 Stars with 3+ beers under your belt

Episode I: The Crapapalooza Menace

So, this is my first post throwing the alphabeticism (I don't know if that's a word, but if not, I like it) out the window.

Over the Easter break myself and the beloved significant other sat down with a mission: to watch horror movies good and awful over the long 5 day break.

Here are the edited highlights (and many, many lowlights).



Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

Following on from the 'Blair Witch mania' engendered by the original film, 'the Blair Witch Project' the sequel ditches documentary stylings to give us a straight dramatisation, with a slight dash of handycam badness for flavour. We have 5 main characters - Nutbar A-Hole leads a 'Blair Witch tour', and has along as his guests on this, his first outing, the following: Academic Research Husband, Academic Research Wife, Jaded Cynical Goth Chick with minor Psychic Tendencies, and Fer Reelz Wiccan Witch Hippy Gal. The five saunter off into the Maryland woods, get absolutely shickered, then pass out.

Waking up, the campsite is a mess. Going back to Nutjob A-Hole's abandoned factory/house, things slowly fall apart as characters a) have miscarriages, b) die, c) disappear or d) go crazy-eight bonkers. Reviewing footage, they realise they; a) got really drunk, b) stripped naked, c) had mad orgy f#ck-lunacy with each other, d) killed the other tour group nearby and e) reversed time with black magic.

Yeah, I've been to a few parties like that. The hangover's a killer.

Is it any good? You know what? No, it isn't. The immediacy and engaging creeps of the first film have been replaced with a glossy, low-budget cash-in of a follow-up. However, there are some sneaky hints, clues and buried visual teasers in the film that spell out a message that runs backwards through the film, which - credit where credit's due - is pretty clever.

1 Star



The Exorcist (Director's Cut)

Ever seen a devil horror film? No? Then start here. This film is amazing. This is THE seminal horror film about the devil and possession. The pacing is measured and the horror builds in a determined, incremental way.

Regan McNeil's descent into full-blown possession is incredible, and even though the voice of the demon was dubbed on, Linda Blair's performance is just amazingly scary. Similar props have to be given to Max Von Sydow and Jason Miller as Fathers Merrin and Karras respectively.

Is it any good? Oh, hell yeah. You won't regret it, SEE THIS FILM.

5 Stars


Eternal Blood

Set in modern day Chile, the story revolves around Goth college student 'M' (as in Fritz Lang's 'M'?) who runs a game of 'Sangre Eterna' or Eternal Blood, a vampire roleplaying game, which, if it isn't meant to be White Wolf's Vampire: The Masquerade, I'll eat my own bottom. His mates Elizabeth (Bathory perhaps?) and Martin (like the Romero movie?) are then joined by new girl Carmilla (Karnstein perhaps?), who is the favourite student of professor Romero (you see where this is going, yeah?).

The gang of crazy Vampire: The… uh, Eternal Blood players are all such Gothy Goths, they may even shit bats. Seriously, from the clothes to the music, to the drugs, to the taffy-pulling/fly-swatting dance moves, to the casual sexual libertinism, to the Goth club that looks like every Goth club I've ever seen after 2am, these guys are either the most overt caracitures of Goths I've ever seen, or the most faithful and literal representation of Chile's clichéd Goth scene.

M and his band of Camarilla… uh, sorry Eternal Blood players, meet up with Dahmer (is that a shock?), a local Elizabethan ruff wearing Goth-man, who gives them really cool drugs. Oh and he has a Punk/Goth/Rivethead as a tough, kickass offsider.

BUT! Is Dahmer a fer reelz Vampire? Yes! No! Maybe! Who's a liar? Who's insane? Who's really truly back from the dead? It's anyone's guess!

Is it any good? No, unless you're a vampire movie fan with very forgiving tastes (like Twilight fans), a Goth who likes seeing films try to represent Goths, or a roleplayer of vampiric games into the Telling of Stories TM, who got the shits watching Kindred: The Embraced.

2 Stars



The Return of Count Yorga

And now let's jump in our trusty TARDIS/DeLorean and travel back to the heady days of 1971. The Return of Count Yorga (hereafter TRoCY for short) is a sequel to Count Yorga, Vampire (or CY,V) made the previous year in 1970.

Count Yorga has moved into a new castle, and is immediately smitten with a woman who is so much of a cypher, I'm calling her Victim Girl. This should raise alarm bells immediately for any one who's seen CY,V, because at the end of that cinematic classic, Yorga kicks the old blood-filled bucket.

Still, his return sees him doing what vampires normally do when in love - kidnap his beloved, brainwash her and hold her captive, and brutally murder her whole family. Vampires seem to have an unusual, and possibly not fully orthodox definition of the word 'love' (yes, I'm looking at YOU Cullen). And of course, it ends the way these things often end - not good for pretty much everybody.

Is it any good? Yeah, no, not really. The first one was a bit better, but honestly, if you're after a cheesy vampire movie set in the 70's, go see Blacula or The Velvet Vampire, or anything with the name 'Jess Franco' attached to it. TRoCY is just a little bit pants.

2 Stars

Lycanthropy

This was a blind purchase from the $2 movie bin in my local supermarket - the same place I buy cans of Mother to recover from the casks of goon I also buy there. Obviously then, I expect anything from the local supermarket to occasionally bring me some measure of pain.

I purchased this lemming of a film on the mistaken belief that it may have been a werewolf movie. It's not.

Is it any good? No. I think I got burned to the tune of $1.76 watching this. Oh and it's got the guy who plays Argus Filch from Harry Potter in it.

1 Star

So, see you in Part 2.

And Now The Screaming Starts

1973 • Dir: Roy Ward Baker • St: Peter Cushing, Stephanie Beacham, Herbert Lom

Premise: Virginal young Catherine arrives at the Fengriffen mansion to be married to her prospective husband Charles, latest scion of the Fengriffen family. No sooner are they wed than Catherine starts seeing ane eyeless, handless ghost, a painting that exerts a horrible mesmerism, and a ghostly creeping severed hand. What is it that haunts the house of Fengriffen?

Analysis: This film is from Amicus the low-budget studio that rivalled Hammer and also shared many of their stars, such as Cushing and Lom, who despite their high-ranking billing, only make small appearances in the film - Lom in a flashback, and Cushing not until half way through the film. And Now The Screaming Starts was directed by Roy Ward Baker, also a Hammer alumnus, whose Hammer credits include; The Vampire Lovers, Scars of Dracula and Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde.

Let me say straight up that this is not a good movie. It is cheesy, silly and the effects are laughable. That said, it is also a good old-fashioned ghostly revenge flick, the kind that nobody does anymore. Stephanie Beacham is delightful as the virginal Catherine, swooning and screaming her wide-eyed way through material that is as flimsy as wet paper. Herbert Lom is beautifully vile as the long-dead Henry Fengriffen, a cad, blackguard and bounder of the first order, and Peter Cushing is on safe ground as the scientifically minded, anti-superstition Dr Pope. Cushing looks frail and gaunt in this, but he still went on to do 35 more films and TV episodes after this - more than some actors do in their entire career.

The plot revolves around a curse levelled against the Fengriffen family by a woodsman whose wife is raped by Henry Fengriffen on their wedding night. The curse is directed against the first virgin bride to enter the Fengriffen house. Little of the twists and turns of the film make any sense at all, and the ghost hand is hilarious, seeming as it does to spy on people without the benefit of ears to hear or eyes to see.

The hand busily kills everyone it can get its clammy grip on, who comes between Catherine and the curse.

I'm not going to reveal the end, partly because this is a film few people are likely to have seen, and also partly because it's very silly - like something out of an old EC horror comic.

Do I like this film, well yeah, in a guilty pleasure kind of way. I wouldn't rewatch it very often, and it's really not very good, but not bad for a chuckle.

Stars: 2 out of 5

An American Haunting

2005 • Dir: Courtney Solomon • St: Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek, Rachel Hurd-Wood

Premise: In the early 19th Century, the Bell family of Red River Tennessee begin to experience violent haunting phenomena in their home, seemingly centred on their daughter Betsy.

Analysis: This is based on one of America's most enduring haunting legends. The film, while a visual treat, and featuring some top shelf acting talent in the form of Sutherland (playing John Bell), Spacek (his wife Lucy) and radiant young actress Hurd-Wood (playing their daughter, and the focus of the film, Betsy), feels a little fragmented.

The film opens with a modern-day framing sequence, with a young woman pursued by some sort of spectral pursuer. Her mother discovers a letter written by Betsy Bell, which tells her story of the famous haunting. This then segues us neatly into the events that make up the primary narrative of the film.

Betsy lives with her family. Her father, John Bell, is a local community pillar, and she has a budding romance with her school teacher, Richard Powell (played by James D'Arcy). John Bell angers his neighbour, who curses him and his daughter - cue the supernatural phenomena.

The ghostly torment of Betsy takes up most of the film, with the family and their friends all witness to much of the phenomena. The lead cast all do a very good job - Spacek is good as the weary, caring mother, Sutherland convincing as the vaguely creepy father, and Hurd-Wood very good as the chief protagonist.

I guess the thing that got to me about this film is that it felt like it was being pulled in too many directions. The modern framing sequence, while having a parallel with the story beyond being a mere 'letter from the past' introduction technique, felt intrusive and a little pointless at first. The reveal of the cause of the haunting that comes at the end also felt tacked on. Don't get me wrong, I'm very skeptical of most haunting stories, and the reveal made a modicum of sense, BUT there was very little in the film to support the reveal, which I found to be a bit of a cheat.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

As it turns out, the cause of the haunting is Betsy herself. Through some sort of telekinetic out of body astral thingummy, she has been tormenting herself and her family. The cause? She is revisiting trauma visited upon her by her father, who it is revealed has sexually assaulted her for at least a year. This makes no sense. Why did the phenomena only just start recently if the causal trauma has been underway for a year? Why was Besty bright and bubbly for a year beforehand if she had been abused by her father? The modern framing sequence hints to us that this sort of torment continues today, which though grim, is not really surprising, and seems to belabour a point that we do not need belaboured, as it already hits us hard enough.

There is a theory that poltergeist phenomena is prevalent when an adolescent is present, and moreso if the adolescent is undergoing some form of trauma or depression. This theory seems purpose made for the events of this film, but at the same time, the desire to play the film as supernatural and parapsychological and psychological all in one breath seems clumsy.

END SPOILER

I like this film, and I want to like it a lot more, but the confused direction holds me back.

Stars: 3 out of 5

Amityville Sequels

Amityville Horror II: The Possession
1982 • Dir: Damiano Damiani • Some folk, meh

Okay, so I'm going to keep the reviews short for each of the three Amityville sequels I've got.

Amityville II is (very) loosely based on the original DeFeo murders. Substitute DeFeo for Montelli and Ronnie for Sonny, add demonic possession, badda-bing badda-boom, you got Amityville II.

As supernatural horror, Amityville II is kind of silly. As a portrait of a brutally dysfunctional family, it's pretty much spot on. Some of the intra-family violence in the film is reputed to actually have occurred in the DeFeo family, which lends a very nasty frisson to the film. Ronnie's dad is supposed to have beaten up Ronnie, and Ronnie's mother quite often. Ronnie DID pull a rifle on his father at one stage. There the similarity pretty much ends. Amityville II was based on well-known parapsychologist Hans Holzer's book on the Amityville house and name-drops a few of the other 'theories' - indian burial ground, witch, etc - as to why the house on Ocean Avenue is 'haunted'. By the way, no Indian burial ground has ever been found under or near the Amityville house, no evidence that a witch ever lived on or near the site has likewise ever been found.

Amityville II is pretty much a battle of wills between the 'demon' that is 'possessing' Sonny, and the local priest Father Adamsky. The battle of wills is pretty much at the end of the third act, and is meh, okay.

Quite possibly the biggest ick in the film is the incest between Sonny and his younger sister Patricia. I feel oogy just thinking about it. The only thing that made it a meagre fraction more bearable was learning that Diane Franklin who plays Trish Montelli was 20 yrs old when she did the film, because boy howdy does she look about 15. Ick. Until today, I didn't piece together that she's the french chick in 'Better Off Dead' - one of my favourite 80's teen films. Cool.

As a devil film, Amityville II is highly derivative of The Exorcist. If you've seen both, you'll know what I mean. As a domestic abuse film, the supernatural content cheapens it. As a dramatisation of the DeFeo murders it's highly fanciful, and too saturated with Hans Holzer's peculiar theories.

The only thing that scared me in this film was the incest. The rest made me nearly go to sleep. When I have to go outside in the 5º cold to have a cigarette to wake up, I know the film is seriously boooooring.

Stars: 2 out of 5

Amityville III: The Demon aka Amityville 3-D
1983 • Dir: Richard Fleischer • St: Tony Roberts, small role w/ Meg Ryan

I'm well into hating Amityville by now. This film was the 3D entry into the series. In a nutshell, reporter for mysticism debunking magazine and friend unveil seance fraud at Amityville house. Reporter later buys house and moves in. House tries to kill him and family with standard Amityville hauntedness. Well/gateway to hell in basement. Flies. Spooky photos. Stuff. Drowned girl seen in house moments before reveal that she is dead. Oooooooooooh!

I felt lightly brain damaged after watching this fiasco. Tony Roberts looks like Frankenstein with jug ears and poodle hair.

No point, no meaning, lost, lost in world of Amityville shittiness. Please rescue me before I lose my mind. When I'm done with this project, I'm taking a hammer to this disc.

Stars: 1 out of 5

The Amityville Curse
1990 • Dir: Tom Berry • St: Kim Coates

This time we're still in Amityville, but not at the famous shack on Ocean Avenue. We're apparently drawing from a Hans Holzer book still. The set up for this, the SIXTH Amityville film (yeah, seriously, I know), is a bunch of yuppies invest in a house - you know, to clean it up and sell it on for more cash - before falling victim to the spoo-doo-dookiness of life in the quiet town of Amityville.

Two couples and a single have many spooky experiences - dreams, visions, sounds. Oh and one of them is going seriously bonkers.

The background is that their house was once a parochial house for the local dog-collar sky pilot. He gets killed in the confessional booth, and all the stuff from the local church, where he died, is now stored in the basement of his old house. This includes a haunted confessional. Yes, go back and read that again. Why would you be a priest in Amityville? It has to suck major dog's balls. "Well father, we're shifting you to Amityville." "What in the FECK!"

Murders happen, and the sins of the past are about to be exposed.

I'm not going to reveal the ending, but what I will say is simply this: This one wasn't that bad. It suffers from having the Amityville tag attached, and could easily be set anywhere else, and be a mildly pleasant little horror film.

I may spare this one the hammer of filmic justice.

Stars: 2 out of 5

After...

2006 • Dir: David L Cunningham • St: Nobody of any note.

Premise: A crew of 'extreme urban explorers' consisting of Nate, his wife Addy, and her brother Jay embark on an exploration of Moscow's subway in search of Stalin's rumoured Metro 2 and Ivan the Terrible's secret torture chambers. Along the way, things go wrong, as you'd expect really.

Analysis: Looking over my notes from watching this and Phibes, I see that my notes are limited to one word on this film - 'balls'.

Maybe I'm being harsh. My wife picked this up, because she is interested in the actual Metro 2 rumours, that Stalin literally DID have a secret underground rail network. The Russian government deny this. I can't fault her for this. Whether Metro 2 or the Parisian catacombs, underground secrets hold a strong allure for many people. I am not immune to this myself, which means my disappointment in After... was even stronger.

In a nutshell, Nate, Addy and Jay sneak into a building illegally to basejump from the roof. Before she jumps, Addy tells Nate she has something to tell him, some news she'll tell him 'after' the jump. Security arrive on the roof as Nate is last to jump, and and he jumps off the building.

Cut to an indeterminate time later, and the crew are flying into Moscow for their planned exploration in search of Metro 2.

What follows is a ramshackle wander through tunnels that could be anywhere, mysterious appearances by a faceless man and gasmasked soldiers, and fleeting ghostly hints at the presence of Nate and Addy's daughter, who you are led to believe has died.

Things go from bad to worse, as they realise at some point they have been exposed to radiation. Jay sickens, and later dies, Addy also goes away, leaving Nate alone, wandering the tunnels hoping to find a way out.

In my opinion, this is a film we've seen before, done better. The Metro 2 angle was almost pointless - this film could have been shot in any claustrophobic rotten locale. The claustrophobic angle has been done better in such throwaway films as Descent, and the main point of the film, which I'll get to later has a much better parallel as well. The filming itself is horrible to watch. Lots of grainy handycam, rapid choppy cuts, and poor sound quality unassisted by a soundtrack by the Crystal Method, that while a nice soundtrack, does not suit this film at all, lead to a film which is confusing to watch, and much of the time makes little sense.

Now, I am the guy who is all about the filmic mindf@#k. I love films that set out to bewilder and confuse you. I love Inland Empire by David Lynch after all. After... does not stack up. I got the very definite sense that if the film is confusing, it is not because it is intelligently or intentionally confusing, it's just bad.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

Okay, so you're sure you want to know? Okay, it goes like this... Nate and Addy's daughter disappears at a playground after he is distracted by a Russian woman. It is inferred that she is distracting him, so an associate can kidnap his daughter. Presumably the kidnap was for purposes of child slavery or child rape, or some other such loathsome thing, because it becomes clear that the kid is gone and not coming back. Addy is going to tell Nate she's pregnant after she basejumps. He, in turn, had planned to commit suicide on the basejump, because he couldn't take the guilt of his daughter's death. He jumps off, sans parachute, and the whole film is a psychodrama played out in the moments before his death. One is left to presume that the imagined trip to Moscow's Metro 2 is some dubious connection to the Russian couple who kidnapped his daughter. Or something.

END SPOILER

After... has many parallels with Jacob's Ladder. The sad truth is that Jacob's Ladder does all of them better. After... is confusing, messy, ugly and hard to watch. Still, it could be worse, I could have watched Cannibal Holocaust again (which I'm dreading having to do when I get to the C's).

Stars: 2 out of 5

The Abominable Dr Phibes

1971 • Dir: Robert Fuest • St: Vincent Price

Premise: Doctors start turning up dead, killed in novel and bizarre ways. It is discovered that the long-believed dead Dr Phibes is killing the doctors he holds responsible for his wife's death in ways descriptive of the 10 plagues of Egypt.

Analysis: The Abominable Dr Phibes is many things: a black comedy, a lush and over the top revenge film, and also the 100th film done by Vincent Price.

Perhaps something that is overlooked by people when they discuss this film is the silence of Dr Phibes and his assistant in revenge, the terribly gorgeous and terribly named Vulnavia. The first 10 minutes of the film has no dialogue, and indeed Vulnavia remains mute throughout the film. Phibes himself only speaks via a cord plugged into his neck. I found myself wondering how Price dealt with acting a character that at no point in the film actually opens his mouth.

Is The Abominable Dr Phibes even a horror film? Many books I own on horror cinema refer to it, and the fact that it's on my horror shelf has caused me to analyse how I define horror. True, Phibes kills people in a number of cruel ways, that if they had some gritty sepia tones and a ton more gore, would not be out of place in a Saw or Hostel, particularly the last averted kill, where the last doctor has to operate on his son, to retrieve a key that will unlock his gurney from a position underneath a rig designed to drip acid on the son's face in 6 minutes. Phew!

The plot of Phibes is very simple - a revenge film through and through, with the largely comical and bumbling police desperately trying to catch up to Phibes as he works his way through his shitlist. Naturally they fail again and again, until they arrive in time to mop up after the last kill is averted. In many ways you could phone this plot in, and in many respects the ending is no real surprise to anyone, so no spoiler section this time.

What is remarkable is the lush visual insanity of the film - Phibes in a black robe churning out dirges on a pipe organ, clockwork musicians, and an impeccably dressed gorgeous mute assistant make this film highly surreal. Price as Phibes is also a treat, though he does get to verbally ham it up, he must do so while only using his eyes to express anything, his face is completely impassive.

So is Phibes a horror film? A question I ask myself over and over again. More properly it is a comedy in the blackest vein. I would probably include it in my horror collection for only two reasons - one, despite the humour, the murders Dr Phibes commits are actually pretty cruel, even if some of them are just plain silly or hilarious to see played out on screen, and two, I'm coming to the opinion that horror is a pretty broad church. Let's face it, Phibes would look pretty sinister sitting in the comedy section of your local video store, just as Jacob's Ladder isn't quite a simple thriller. Horror, I think must be defined as a genre which expresses feelings of despair, dread, terror and/or cruelty, and often but not always features an over the top or even outright supernatural antagonist, that could not sit comfortably in what we like to call real life. Phibes is definitely an over the top antagonist, and the film definitely portrays Phibe's anger, despair and his cruelty.

All up, The Abominable Dr Phibes is fun. Not one of my all-time favourites, but still worth a laugh with a glass of adult beverage in your hand.

Stars: 3 out of 5

28 Weeks Later

2007 • Dir: Juan Carlos Fresnadillo • St: Robert Carlye, Rose Byrne

Premise: The sequel to 28 Days Later, London has been mostly cleared of the infected by the Americans, and Londoners are slowly being returned to the city, as a second outbreak occurs.

Analysis: With the success of 28 Days Later, it was perhaps inevitable that there would be a sequel. 28 Weeks continues the use of the rapid jump-cuts of the first film, and also the very moody and haunting music of 28 Days.

I will be perhaps briefer with this review than I was with 28 Days. This is largely because, while 28 Weeks is entertaining, the tone of the film is much more frenetic, feeling like it does as one long chase.

In essence, Don (Carlyle) and his wife Alice (Catherine McCormack) are holed up with some other survivors in a farmhouse. Their kids have been sent away in one of the big evacuations that had been carried out before the UK became quarantined. In the space of about 3 minutes, one of the infected break into the farmhouse, and everyone dies. This is an excellent start to the film to attempt to establish it's credentials as a worthy sequel. Don tries to help the others and save his wife, but in a wrenching moment chooses survival over love, and makes good an escape.

Later, Tammy (Imogen Poots) and her little brother Andy (Mackintosh Muggleton) are entering London, along with a large number of other evacuees, to stay in a safe area on the Isle of Dogs and Canary Wharf. This was ostensibly done to contrast the 'old' London of 28 Days, with the 'new' London of 28 Weeks. They are reunited with their father, Don and processed by an American military scientist Scarlet (Byrne), who is annoyed because no screening process had been approved yet for children.

Tammy and Andy ask how their mum died, and Don lies to them, ostensibly to mask his guilt and spare their feelings. Don tells them they can't go back to their old house. Naturally, movie kids being movie kids, they do the exact opposite and sneak out the next day. At this point, it's also worth mentioning the paranoia the film evokes by having everything constantly under surveillance. We are introduced to scenes often by seeing them on a security camera first, and one of the snipers who protect the area, the American Doyle (Jeremy Renner) routinely scans the area through his rifle's scope.

When the kids escape, they are spotted almost immediately after they've left the safe zone. After a sobering introduction to what post-infection London really looks like, they make their way back to their old home. Inside, they find the film's bombshell - their mother, infected but not affected by the rage virus. The army swoops in and the film's rollercoaster ride toward sweeping oblivion begins.

Scarlet is fascinated by Alice's immunity and thinks she could find a cure from Alice's blood. The disinterested Gen Stone (Idris Elba) wants none of it, and orders Alice to be killed. After a resentful reunion with his kids, Don has to face his shame and admit he left his wife to die. He sneaks in to see her, and one kiss starts an apocalypse that will destroy the Isle of Dogs. Don becomes infected, and the second aberration of infected behaviour appears - Don seems to retain some memories and actively hunts down his kids.

From here on out 28 Weeks is a non-stop chain of massacres, gore, explosions, and brutal but necessary military crackdowns. Unable to pull the trigger on Andy, Doyle teams up with Scarlet and the kids to escape London with his chopper pilot friend Flynn (Harold Perrineau). I found this half of the film entertaining, but to be honest also a bit ordinary. 28 Days engaged you with drastic shifts in mood and tone, while the latter half of 28 Weeks is like Michael Bay Brundle-Flyed with Renny Harlin.

I will make one exception for the helicopter lawnmower-style kill of a horde of infected. That was just so implausibly crazy, it made me laugh.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

As with many survival horror style films, we get a steady attrition of characters, losing Doyle to fire, Scarlet to Rage-Don, and finally Rage-Don to Tammy. Finally only Tammy and an infected Andy make it to Flynn's chopper, and escape, flying past Dover, over the channel to France. At the end, we are left with a shot of Flynn's abandoned chopper and a mob of infected running toward the Eiffel Tower (I guess they wanted to be the first in line when the ticket box opened, or at least see it before Destro and Cobra melted it with nanites).

END SPOILER

28 Weeks Later is not a bad film by any means. It is quite entertaining, but it's also a little flabby, and the headlong run into a pointless ending does let the film down. While it felt like 28 Days and sounded like 28 Days and looked like 28 Days, the double whammy of infection immunity and retained memory during infection did little to improve the film and only really bogged it down with elements that ultimately led nowhere. Still, watch it for the f@#king awesome helicopter scene.

3 out of 5 Stars