Episode III: Revenge of the Crapapalooza

Okay so here I am with what I think is the last installment of 'Shit me and the missus watched over Easter'. Let's get down to it shall we?


Salem's Lot

Now we didn't watch all of this. We picked up from about where we left off when we started watching it 3-4 years ago, and also stopped at some half way point. Truth be told, we just wanted to watch the bit where the kid's floating outside his brother's bedroom window, all pale, yellow-eyed and vampiric. You know, the bit that they riffed on in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Yeah, that one.

I have mixed attitudes to Stephen King. I must confess that I've never read any of his books, but I have seen a few of his films. Salem's Lot has a couple of really nice moments in a yawning ocean of tedium, wherein you have to suffer through endless replayings of Stephen King's ideas on ordinary Americans. Clichés and stereotypes that (apparently) permeate much of his work.

This is probably why we only watch snippets of it every three years or so. James Mason though, is quite effective as the complete bastard minder of the Big Bad.

Is it any good? For the very patient vampire fan and for Stephen King fanatics, yeah. For everyone else, it's better than valium.

2 Stars



The Last Exorcism

Since I threw caution to the wind and adopted a more atheistic bent in my life, I generally find devil movies to be a little silly. There are exceptions, but generally those exceptions are very, very good films.

The Last Exorcism starts out with a neat hook, that few others do. Our hero, Cotton Marcus (a riff on infamous witch hunter Cotton Mather?), is a former evangelist fire and brimstone PREEE-CHUH MAAAN. He also used to do exorcisms. So, most of the early part of the movie is spent with Cotton explaining that his heart's no longer in being a professional liar and ratbag, and showing us some of the neat tricks that the holy frauds use to gull the irredeemably stupid.

Neat.

Cotton decides to do one last exorcism, so wends his way down to the deep south for a meeting with demon-plagued innocent teen Ashley Sweetzer.

Well, of course one thing leads to another, and before you know she's up to her eyeballs in the devil greeblies. Stuff happens, there's a foretelling of the cast's death, and they all seem to come true, with a big twist revelation saved up for the last ten minutes.

I guess the thing for me about modern films, especially demon/haunting films, is that they make almost no sense. They're rarely explained in any clear sense, but heavily rely on some kind of invisible infrastructure which I'm sure made sense to the screenwriter, director and cast, but makes sweet F.A. of sense to me.

No exorcism has ever turned up anything that could not be explained by psychosis or fraudulent behaviour. The FBI did an intensive investigation into the satanic incest/kidnapping cult phenomena of the late 80's/early 90's and found... nothing. Each case revealed the same level of psychosis or outright lying. American Christians seem to want to be possessed and are prepared to lose their minds or lie to get the attention.

Is this film REALLY any good? Yeah, it is. The film, right up to the last ten minutes is actually quite engaging and more than a little creepy. The shock twist ending is a bullshit deus ex machina that cheapens the interplay of Ashley's seemingly real possession and Cotton's confirmed scepticism.

3 Stars



Lost Boys 3: The Thirst

'Cryyyy litttle sister! Thou shalt not...' Oh shit sorry, didn't see you there, lost in some deep nostalgia for an age when both Coreys were alive and hadn't been introduced to old Uncle Charlie. 'Lost Boys 3: The Thirst' is, I hope obviously, the second sequel to the vampire hit of the 80's 'The Lost Boys'.

Picking up from the boldly atrocious 'Lost Boys 2: The Tribe', Edgar Frog is still living in a trailer, and still quite interested in comics. He also still hunts down the undead. We get a good look at what happened to poor old Alan Frog (he's now a vamp, but trying to be good), and Sam apparently bit the dust in a vamp hunt, making Edgar persona non grata with Sam's mother Lucy, his brother Michael and ex-vamps - now part of the one big, happy family - Star and Laddie (I think that's right...).

Anyway, some guys are taking some weird drug which is actually vampire blood, turning people into vamps, blah kidnap plot, blah Edgar to the rescue, blah reality TV douchebag, blah old original vampire, blah a rave, blah sexy pseudo-lesbian vampires, blah big fight, blah sequel-hook end twist. Yawn, yawn, yawn.

Is it any good? Well, it's stupid, almost self-referentially so. AND it's a damn sight better than the smoking turkey that was Lost Boys 2 (which was only saved from oblivion by Tom Savini's brief appearance). Look one night, get some stocks of the old grown-up grape juice in, pour some healthy glasses and fire up the Frog Saga in one sitting. I think the drunker you are, the more these films can be enjoyed.

2 Stars


Repo: The Genetic Opera

Okay, it's not really horror, I guess, or sci-fi really, or a standard opera, or...

Hell, I don't know just what in the f#ck Repo is, but I'm sneaking it in here for the gore and body horror links that would make Eli Roth throw his guts.

Repo: The Genetic Opera is an opera in film form, built to appeal to a modern sensibility. So, yeah no La Traviata or Marriage of Figaro here boys and girls, but rather RAWK! DRUGZ! BOOTZ! CORSETZ! GAW! GUTZ! and THAT GUY FROM BUFFY! I'm gonna go into a fair bit of detail on this one.

Repo is set in the near-ish future after a plague that caused organ failures to be pandemic. A company rises out of the carnage - GeneCo - headed up by the mean as a cut snake Rotti Largo. GeneCo can sell you organs, but can also repossess them if you fall behind in your payments. Enter the Repo Man, whose secret identity is Nathan Wallace, father of the main character, sickened teen Shiloh Wallace. Oh this is a twisted, sordid story indeed. To see how twisted and sordid, here's a bit of a character rundown;

• Shiloh Wallace: Played by Alexa Vega who was 20 at the time to Shiloh's 17. Shiloh's got a blood disease inherited from her mother who died giving birth to her. Her dad is Nathan Wallace. She hates her mother, feels stifled by her father, and is a big fan of Blind Mag.
  
• Rotti Largo: The evil pig head of GeneCo, and played by Paul Sorvino, actor and trained opera singer, who trained himself to overcome ASTHMA to sing. This guy must have stones of steel. May be known to some as the guy who played daddy Capulet in 'Romeo + Juliet'. Rotti has three kids - Luigi, Pavi and Amber - all human garbage in one form or another. He also poisoned Marni Wallace - Nathan's wife/Shiloh's mother - when she spurned him. What a bucket of crap this character is. Sorvino's got an awesome voice and big thumbs up for overcoming asthma.
• Nathan Wallace: Played by fangasm pin-up boy Anthony Head. Honestly, Repo Man, Frank N' Further, Rupert Giles, Headmaster Finch, Tony Head must be a total nerdgirl magnet. Jeez, he even turns my head! Anyway Nathan is secretly the Repo Man, collecting organs from live and unwilling customers for GeneCo. He is also victim to being overcome by a ruthless and cruel split personality he calls 'the monster'. He was made to think Marni's death was his fault, and was press-ganged into being a Repo Man by Rotti. Sucks to be him...
• Blind Mag: Played by light opera songstress Sarah Brightman. In her 50's, I must say that Brightman can still fill out a Goth corset quite pleasingly. Blind Mag was Marni's best friend. Rotti and GeneCo gave her new eyes, in return for a permanent contract as GeneCo's pet celebrity. You're seeing how this Rotti guy is a bit of a prick yeah? She's also Shiloh's godmother and was told by Nathan that Shiloh died when Marni did.
  
• Luigi, Pavi and Amber Sweet: Rotti's three grotesque, spoiled kids, played by (are you ready for this?) - Bill Moseley, Nivek Ogre and Paris Hilton. Yeah, I know right? Okay Bill Moseley, known for big roles and small in Texas Chainsaw Massacre II, House of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects and SO much more. He's a horror veteran pendejo! Nivek Ogre, who's mainly known as a muso, having worked with a few little bands, maybe you've heard of them - Skinny Puppy, Ministry, Revolting Cocks and KMFDM. Then there's dear old Paris who read the script for Repo while she was IN JAIL!! Awesome. All three kids - murderous Luigi, face-stealing narcissistic Pavi and surgery addict/drug addict/ho Amber want to take over GeneCo when daddy kicks the bucket.
  

Look, one thing leads to another, the various plot strands lightly hooked together and narrated upon by co-creator Terrance Zdunich's Graverobber character. There's also a cameo by Joan-Freaking-Jett. It ends with blood, betrayal, and the neat tying up of all plot threads.

Is it any good? F#ck yeah! Have you not been listening to me? Why are you still reading this? Run out now and buy a copy.

4 Stars (when I rein in my enthusiasm)



Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling

Is it horror? Well, it's definitely supernatural. It's got vampires and demons in it, so... shut up.

The missus and I tend to watch this episode when we've already had a few heavies under our belt. Why? Because it's a heap of fun and it's a perfect episode of the series in many ways - it ably continues the season's plot threads, it presents moments light, poignant and deeply dark and messed up, and it has one of the neatest gimmicks in a TV series EVAR. That's right, they sing. It's a musical episode. The singing is not just tacked on for no reason. Within the logic of the Buffyverse, it is worked in quite neatly - someone has summoned a demon that makes you sing and dance, revealing your deepest secrets, and you keep singing and dancing until you burn. The demon in question, Sweet, is still one of my favourite Buffyverse villains, only decisively beaten by Mayor Wilkins.

While not every cast member of BtVS is a song and dance professional, they all do their best. Tony Head (Giles) gets to show off his damned sexy singer-guy stuff, turning all the nerdgirls watching into a gooey mess (and probably a few of the nerdguys as well). Amber Benson (Tara) belts out a few good solid numbers, while series second bananas Nicholas Brendon (Xander), Emma Caulfield (Anya) and Michelle Trachtenberg (Dawn) all get to show up the strengths they have. Fan favourite characters and series heroes are a bit more of a mixed bag. Sarah Michelle Gellar does the best she can for Buffy, but it's a bit patchy. Alyson Hannigan/Denisof (Willow) does her best to hide that she can't sing, and the very idea terrifies her, while James Marsters (Spike) delivers a number that remains the subject of internet memes to this day.

After some numbers both perky and sombre, it all comes to a head and secrets are revealed, leaving the characters all feeling like they've been sucker-punched.

Is it any good? If I were to list my top ten favourite episodes of the series, 'Once More With Feeling' would always be in there, along with 'Restless', 'The Body' and 'Hush'.

4 Stars

Episode II: Attack of the Crapapalooza

And we're back y'all, for part 2 of 'What my lovely wife and I did on our Easter break'.

Let's get into the madness.


The Grudge

This is a remake of the original 'Ju-On'. I've never seen all of the original I must admit, but I have seen clips of the scarier bits. I may be committing an act of utmost Japanophile blasphemy here, but I prefer this version, the remake.

I don't own a lot of J-Horror, but the two I do possess - The Grudge and Ring - got an outing over Easter. The Grudge is really creepy, with a lot of moments designed to evacuate the old back door. Being a Sam Raimi produced remake, his bro Ted gets an outing. Being a bit steamed when we watched this, I did find I was referring to the characters by roles they were known for elsewhere. Except for Bill Pullman, because I can never remember any of his other roles by name, but Joxer the Mighty and Buffy sure got referred to a lot.

You may notice, I have not said much about the film itself. Well, no.

Look, just see it. It's good and it's creepy, and there's some nasty stuff in there. Turn the lights out and press play...

3 Stars

Paranormal Activity 2

The bookending prequel/sequel to the much-vaunted Paranormal Activity.

I have a confession to make. I think Paranormal Activity was pants. It took what could have been a nice ghost film, and made it into a $h!thouse devil movie. I could ask why a demon likes to just slam doors, why it has chicken feet, or why it sets ouija boards on fire, if demons apparently need them to talk to you (cue the American Christian Brigade: 'It's the DAAAAAYYYVIL'S AAAAAUUUURRAKULLL!!).

Paranormal Activity 2 takes the shortcomings of the first film and bravely tries to make them worse. Again, we have a cynical husband. Again, we have a wife that the mean husband just doesn't believe. However this time, we have a whiny teenager, a baby and a dog! Hooray!

PA2 tries to explain why PA1 happened, which I find irritating on two levels. First, I don't necessarily NEED to know why everything happens in a film, I'm prepared to trust that sometimes, demons are just bastards, or that a house is just haunted. The second reason the film irritated me was simply this: Once it's explained and all the ramifications are played out, you don't actually need to have seen the first film. PA2 cheapens PA1 and makes it irrelevant, which is like inviting everyone over for a swim, and then pissing in your own pool.

Is it any good? It's... okaaaaay. I would probably recommend seeing the first one and skipping this.

2 Stars


Ring

Ring was arguably the film that introduced J-Horror to us gaijin. It may not have been, but I vaguely remember it that way, so I'm saying it's true.

So, go on, ask me why you should see Ring and not The Ring, which is the US remake. Go on. Anyone? You at the back? Thank you.

You should see Ring because it is awesome, because it will f#ck your lily-livered $h!t up. I've seen a lot of scary movies in my time. Very few made me jump out of my seat, but Ring is one of those spring-loaded films.

Now, I'm aware that I said I preferred The Grudge to Ju-On. That's an exception, now here's the rule - the US is generally pretty crappy at remaking foreign films. Sure, there are exceptions, there always are, but not here. People who like The Ring over Ring are the same people who like Asti Spumante over Bollinger. Ring is the real deal people! The absolute, certified, brown undercarriage champion of Teh Skary.

Is it good? F#ck yeah.

4 Stars


The Thing

After basted turkeys like Lycanthropy, we wanted something truly creepy, so out came John Carpenter's masterpiece of terror, The Thing, a loose remake of the old 50's sci-fi cheese-fest 'Thing From Another World', but more closely based on the original story 'Who Goes There?'

I saw The Thing when I was but a wee item. So many of the gross and grislies of the film are images that have stayed with me forever. Many people give Carpenter $h!t, saying he's a hack and holding up Ghosts of Mars as Exhibit A. These people are liars, and are trying to lure you away from true moments of pure genius with their lying liar's lies.

The Thing is BRILL-I-ANT. A true gem in the horror genre, with a nice criss-cross to sci-fi, just to bring the neighbours over ('Hi Sci-Fi!' 'Hi Horror, how's it going?'). It is gory, creepy AND suspenseful. How many of your super-duper, sepia-tone, grainy-shot, torture porn yawn fests can say that huh? Exactly.

Is it any good? Yes, screw them liars and their lying lies. See it! Then go watch Halloween.

4 Stars



John Carpenter's Vampires

Okay, so I've just lauded John Carpenter to the heavens. Now here's a reason that the lying liars and their lying lies might have a point.

JC's Vampires is a ludicrously macho and misogynistic vehicle for James Woods to chew scenery, a style of acting that is his oeuvre. Seriously, the James Woods School of Grimacing and Biting Corners off Scenery would show this at their school.

The always hilarious Mark Boone Junior sadly dies off too early, leaving us stuck with the chubby Baldwin instead. Sheryl Lee has little to do but wiggle her buttocks as Hooker-Being-Turned-Into-Vampire-and-Occasional-Macho-Bitchslapping-Receiver, which is sad. I always thought that Sheryl Lee never got a real chance to develop as an actress.

As a Vampire film, it's... well, okay it IS interesting. It's rare you see vampire hunters presented so, well, realistically. The vampires are cyphers here, shadowy ghoulish threats. The Big Bad, ubervamp Valek is a floating evil ghoul of a vampire who, in one memorable scene, reminds us exactly why 20 hunters to one old vampire is almost equal. And he looks creepy.

Is it any good? You know, kinda. It improves with beer, I'll admit, but it's not VERY awful, just sorta awful.

2 Stars, 3 Stars with 3+ beers under your belt

Episode I: The Crapapalooza Menace

So, this is my first post throwing the alphabeticism (I don't know if that's a word, but if not, I like it) out the window.

Over the Easter break myself and the beloved significant other sat down with a mission: to watch horror movies good and awful over the long 5 day break.

Here are the edited highlights (and many, many lowlights).



Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

Following on from the 'Blair Witch mania' engendered by the original film, 'the Blair Witch Project' the sequel ditches documentary stylings to give us a straight dramatisation, with a slight dash of handycam badness for flavour. We have 5 main characters - Nutbar A-Hole leads a 'Blair Witch tour', and has along as his guests on this, his first outing, the following: Academic Research Husband, Academic Research Wife, Jaded Cynical Goth Chick with minor Psychic Tendencies, and Fer Reelz Wiccan Witch Hippy Gal. The five saunter off into the Maryland woods, get absolutely shickered, then pass out.

Waking up, the campsite is a mess. Going back to Nutjob A-Hole's abandoned factory/house, things slowly fall apart as characters a) have miscarriages, b) die, c) disappear or d) go crazy-eight bonkers. Reviewing footage, they realise they; a) got really drunk, b) stripped naked, c) had mad orgy f#ck-lunacy with each other, d) killed the other tour group nearby and e) reversed time with black magic.

Yeah, I've been to a few parties like that. The hangover's a killer.

Is it any good? You know what? No, it isn't. The immediacy and engaging creeps of the first film have been replaced with a glossy, low-budget cash-in of a follow-up. However, there are some sneaky hints, clues and buried visual teasers in the film that spell out a message that runs backwards through the film, which - credit where credit's due - is pretty clever.

1 Star



The Exorcist (Director's Cut)

Ever seen a devil horror film? No? Then start here. This film is amazing. This is THE seminal horror film about the devil and possession. The pacing is measured and the horror builds in a determined, incremental way.

Regan McNeil's descent into full-blown possession is incredible, and even though the voice of the demon was dubbed on, Linda Blair's performance is just amazingly scary. Similar props have to be given to Max Von Sydow and Jason Miller as Fathers Merrin and Karras respectively.

Is it any good? Oh, hell yeah. You won't regret it, SEE THIS FILM.

5 Stars


Eternal Blood

Set in modern day Chile, the story revolves around Goth college student 'M' (as in Fritz Lang's 'M'?) who runs a game of 'Sangre Eterna' or Eternal Blood, a vampire roleplaying game, which, if it isn't meant to be White Wolf's Vampire: The Masquerade, I'll eat my own bottom. His mates Elizabeth (Bathory perhaps?) and Martin (like the Romero movie?) are then joined by new girl Carmilla (Karnstein perhaps?), who is the favourite student of professor Romero (you see where this is going, yeah?).

The gang of crazy Vampire: The… uh, Eternal Blood players are all such Gothy Goths, they may even shit bats. Seriously, from the clothes to the music, to the drugs, to the taffy-pulling/fly-swatting dance moves, to the casual sexual libertinism, to the Goth club that looks like every Goth club I've ever seen after 2am, these guys are either the most overt caracitures of Goths I've ever seen, or the most faithful and literal representation of Chile's clichéd Goth scene.

M and his band of Camarilla… uh, sorry Eternal Blood players, meet up with Dahmer (is that a shock?), a local Elizabethan ruff wearing Goth-man, who gives them really cool drugs. Oh and he has a Punk/Goth/Rivethead as a tough, kickass offsider.

BUT! Is Dahmer a fer reelz Vampire? Yes! No! Maybe! Who's a liar? Who's insane? Who's really truly back from the dead? It's anyone's guess!

Is it any good? No, unless you're a vampire movie fan with very forgiving tastes (like Twilight fans), a Goth who likes seeing films try to represent Goths, or a roleplayer of vampiric games into the Telling of Stories TM, who got the shits watching Kindred: The Embraced.

2 Stars



The Return of Count Yorga

And now let's jump in our trusty TARDIS/DeLorean and travel back to the heady days of 1971. The Return of Count Yorga (hereafter TRoCY for short) is a sequel to Count Yorga, Vampire (or CY,V) made the previous year in 1970.

Count Yorga has moved into a new castle, and is immediately smitten with a woman who is so much of a cypher, I'm calling her Victim Girl. This should raise alarm bells immediately for any one who's seen CY,V, because at the end of that cinematic classic, Yorga kicks the old blood-filled bucket.

Still, his return sees him doing what vampires normally do when in love - kidnap his beloved, brainwash her and hold her captive, and brutally murder her whole family. Vampires seem to have an unusual, and possibly not fully orthodox definition of the word 'love' (yes, I'm looking at YOU Cullen). And of course, it ends the way these things often end - not good for pretty much everybody.

Is it any good? Yeah, no, not really. The first one was a bit better, but honestly, if you're after a cheesy vampire movie set in the 70's, go see Blacula or The Velvet Vampire, or anything with the name 'Jess Franco' attached to it. TRoCY is just a little bit pants.

2 Stars

Lycanthropy

This was a blind purchase from the $2 movie bin in my local supermarket - the same place I buy cans of Mother to recover from the casks of goon I also buy there. Obviously then, I expect anything from the local supermarket to occasionally bring me some measure of pain.

I purchased this lemming of a film on the mistaken belief that it may have been a werewolf movie. It's not.

Is it any good? No. I think I got burned to the tune of $1.76 watching this. Oh and it's got the guy who plays Argus Filch from Harry Potter in it.

1 Star

So, see you in Part 2.

Angel Heart

1987 • Dir: Alan Parker • St: Mickey Rourke, Robert DeNiro, Lisa Bonet

Premise: New York, 1955. Private Detective Harry Angel is hired by the somewhat strange Louis Cyphre to find pre-war crooner Johnny Favourite. His investigation unveils black magic, evil and increasingly brutal murders.

Analysis: Angel Heart is excellent. I don't say that lightly, but this film is incredible. The worn and grubby look of 50's America is still a refreshing change from the usual wholesome Rockwell-esque take on the decade most films continue to use. The cast are incredible in their roles. DeNiro is unsettlingly creepy as Cyphre, Rourke is back in his heyday here as Angel. Lisa Bonet broke free of her Cosby Show wholesomeness in this role, causing Bill Cosby to publicly criticise her for playing the voodoo laden, highly sexualised role of Epiphany.

The film builds carefully, and is very visual. Every shot is a beautifully framed composition. From the get-go when we meet Louis Cyphre we realise there's something very eerie about him. Prior to meeting Cyphre, Angel sees a fundamentalist Christian revival meeting, the pastor loudly and unashamedly demanding his flock to give them all their money "I should be driving a ROLLS ROYCE!" he cries. The various insanities and inanities of religion are prevalent in this film. Religion is NOT presented as a stainless force for good, it is shown to be selfish, authoritarian, creepy and a haven for the simple. This is a refreshing change in this sub-genre of film, which tends to present the church and its footsoldiers as incorruptible warriors in the army of All-That-Is-NOT-Naughty.

Harry Angel's search for Johnny Favourite builds a disturbing picture of Favourite in fragments. He is described as almost completely evil, a capable black magician and a wicked lover. Returning from the war Favourite became amnesiac and horribly scarred. It is revealed that he had been taken from hospital and released.

As Angel follows the trail, people start turning up dead in horrible and brutal ways. Dr Fowler, the junky doctor who had been covering up Favourite's disappearance from the hospital, is shot in the eye. Toots Sweet, the musician who'd known Favourite has his junk cut off and stuffed in his mouth. Margaret Krusemark (played with great subtlety by Charlotte Rampling), who'd also known Favourite has her heart cut out. her father is drowned in a massive pot of gumbo, and finally Epiphany, the child of Favourite and a voodoo witch named Evangeline Proudfoot, is shot in a place no-one should ever have a gun inserted.

SPOILER!! Type is in black below (select to read)

So.
The big reveal in this is a kick in the guts. The first time you see it, it WILL f#ck you up. It is revealed that Harry Angel IS Johnny Favourite. The evil Favourite placed his soul inside shell-shocked Harry Angel's body as a way of cheating the Devil, who it turns out is Louis Cyphre (get it? Louis Cyphre - Lucifer). Angel is told all of this by DeNiro's charming Lucifer, after Angel has had some pretty brutal sex with Epiphany, now revealed as his daughter. He races back to his hotel room, only to find her, shot (urg) with Angel's gun and wearing his long-lost dogtags. The cops stand there. "You're gonna burn for this Angel." one says.

Angel replies "Yeah, in Hell."

END SPOILER!!

This film is incredible. Even knowing the twist, it keeps you hooked, making a re-watching continually enjoyable. The cinematography, the subtle direction, the brilliant performances from the cast, everything adds up to make a truly memorable and classic devil flick.

Stars: 5 out of 5

And Now The Screaming Starts

1973 • Dir: Roy Ward Baker • St: Peter Cushing, Stephanie Beacham, Herbert Lom

Premise: Virginal young Catherine arrives at the Fengriffen mansion to be married to her prospective husband Charles, latest scion of the Fengriffen family. No sooner are they wed than Catherine starts seeing ane eyeless, handless ghost, a painting that exerts a horrible mesmerism, and a ghostly creeping severed hand. What is it that haunts the house of Fengriffen?

Analysis: This film is from Amicus the low-budget studio that rivalled Hammer and also shared many of their stars, such as Cushing and Lom, who despite their high-ranking billing, only make small appearances in the film - Lom in a flashback, and Cushing not until half way through the film. And Now The Screaming Starts was directed by Roy Ward Baker, also a Hammer alumnus, whose Hammer credits include; The Vampire Lovers, Scars of Dracula and Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde.

Let me say straight up that this is not a good movie. It is cheesy, silly and the effects are laughable. That said, it is also a good old-fashioned ghostly revenge flick, the kind that nobody does anymore. Stephanie Beacham is delightful as the virginal Catherine, swooning and screaming her wide-eyed way through material that is as flimsy as wet paper. Herbert Lom is beautifully vile as the long-dead Henry Fengriffen, a cad, blackguard and bounder of the first order, and Peter Cushing is on safe ground as the scientifically minded, anti-superstition Dr Pope. Cushing looks frail and gaunt in this, but he still went on to do 35 more films and TV episodes after this - more than some actors do in their entire career.

The plot revolves around a curse levelled against the Fengriffen family by a woodsman whose wife is raped by Henry Fengriffen on their wedding night. The curse is directed against the first virgin bride to enter the Fengriffen house. Little of the twists and turns of the film make any sense at all, and the ghost hand is hilarious, seeming as it does to spy on people without the benefit of ears to hear or eyes to see.

The hand busily kills everyone it can get its clammy grip on, who comes between Catherine and the curse.

I'm not going to reveal the end, partly because this is a film few people are likely to have seen, and also partly because it's very silly - like something out of an old EC horror comic.

Do I like this film, well yeah, in a guilty pleasure kind of way. I wouldn't rewatch it very often, and it's really not very good, but not bad for a chuckle.

Stars: 2 out of 5

An American Werewolf In London

1981 • Dir: John Landis • David Naughton, Jenny Agutter, Griffin Dunne, John Woodvine, small appearances from Frank Oz, Brian Glover and Rik Mayall

Premise: David Kessler and his friend Jack Goodman are hiking through wild and woolly rural England. Jack is set upon by what looks to be a wild wolf and killed, while David is merely scratched. Waking in hospital, David soon receives a visit from the ghost of his friend Jack, who tells him the horrible news - David has been injured but not killed by a werewolf and at the next full moon, he too will become become a werewolf and kill.

Analysis: This is John Landis in top form. Written and directed by him, this film is not only one of my favourite films, but also a classy werewolf flick, and one of the best examples of comedy horror around.

David's plight is a sublime mixture of black comedy and true fear for his sanity, and this is what makes this film a real joy - the perfect mixture of horror and comedy. While David's nightmares are horrible, while Jack's slowly rotting appearances are horrible, and the murders David commits while in Lupine form are bloody in the extreme, the moments of comedy are so deftly handled, and so seamlessly intertwined with the horror, that Landis hands you a perfect package.

Of course, David does not want to believe that Jack is really talking to him, or that he's going to sprout hair, run on all fours and eat people at the next full moon. He's much more interested in romancing his caring and considerate nurse (Alex Price, played by Agutter), who seems very archly English compared to the very American David. David's culture clash is bought hilariously to the fore when, after he has realised he HAS shapechanged and killed, he runs up to an English bobby and screams 'The Queen's a man', 'Prince Charles is a faggot!' in order to get arrested. Which, of course, fails.

While a little dated now, Rick Baker's effects are still solid and impressive. The nightmare Nazi demons, the rotten Jack Goodman, and the David/wolf itself are all brilliant pieces of SFX from an age where CGI simply wasn't used because it looked awful.

The customers of the English pub David and Jack visit just before Jack's death - The Slaughtered Lamb - are also a treat. Sullen rustics in almost a James Whale-ean bent. Brian Glover is especially sullen and local.

There's a lot in this film about Landis' obvious love for the Universal golden age of monster cinema, especially The Wolf Man, as the film frequently references The Wolf Man. Landis' frequent in-joke of 'See You Next Wednesday' also makes an appearance in the form of a slightly surreal English porn film, where David goes to meet Jack, and gets introduced to his other victims, who then launch into a plethora of suggestions on how to top himself.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

Well if you haven't seen this film, and don't want the ending ruined, you have no excuse - it's been out since 1981! An American Werewolf In London shows Landis' love for The Wolf Man pretty clearly in the ending. David, having professed his love for Alex, is now in the porn cinema and begins to change. Discovered by a policeman in lupine form, having turned the rest of the cinema-goers into small piles of sticky gore, wolf-David escapes into the London streets, and is cornered down a dead end alleyway. Alex breaks through the police line, who are ready to shoot him dead the second they get a clean shot. She professes her love for David, and for a split second, you get the impression that even in bestial form, he understands, as the beast's expression softens. It is not to last however, and the wolf snarls, the police open fire and David dies, naked and bloody in a dirty London alleyway. Alex cries. The End.

The theme of this is of course, The Wolf Man's theme that only love can truly kill the werewolf. Alex's declaration of love for David foreshadows his death - suicide by cop perhaps? - by only a split second.

End Spoiler

An American Werewolf in London is a classic film, and if you haven't seen it by now, you should, before other people find out and mock you.

Stars: 4 out of 5

An American Haunting

2005 • Dir: Courtney Solomon • St: Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek, Rachel Hurd-Wood

Premise: In the early 19th Century, the Bell family of Red River Tennessee begin to experience violent haunting phenomena in their home, seemingly centred on their daughter Betsy.

Analysis: This is based on one of America's most enduring haunting legends. The film, while a visual treat, and featuring some top shelf acting talent in the form of Sutherland (playing John Bell), Spacek (his wife Lucy) and radiant young actress Hurd-Wood (playing their daughter, and the focus of the film, Betsy), feels a little fragmented.

The film opens with a modern-day framing sequence, with a young woman pursued by some sort of spectral pursuer. Her mother discovers a letter written by Betsy Bell, which tells her story of the famous haunting. This then segues us neatly into the events that make up the primary narrative of the film.

Betsy lives with her family. Her father, John Bell, is a local community pillar, and she has a budding romance with her school teacher, Richard Powell (played by James D'Arcy). John Bell angers his neighbour, who curses him and his daughter - cue the supernatural phenomena.

The ghostly torment of Betsy takes up most of the film, with the family and their friends all witness to much of the phenomena. The lead cast all do a very good job - Spacek is good as the weary, caring mother, Sutherland convincing as the vaguely creepy father, and Hurd-Wood very good as the chief protagonist.

I guess the thing that got to me about this film is that it felt like it was being pulled in too many directions. The modern framing sequence, while having a parallel with the story beyond being a mere 'letter from the past' introduction technique, felt intrusive and a little pointless at first. The reveal of the cause of the haunting that comes at the end also felt tacked on. Don't get me wrong, I'm very skeptical of most haunting stories, and the reveal made a modicum of sense, BUT there was very little in the film to support the reveal, which I found to be a bit of a cheat.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

As it turns out, the cause of the haunting is Betsy herself. Through some sort of telekinetic out of body astral thingummy, she has been tormenting herself and her family. The cause? She is revisiting trauma visited upon her by her father, who it is revealed has sexually assaulted her for at least a year. This makes no sense. Why did the phenomena only just start recently if the causal trauma has been underway for a year? Why was Besty bright and bubbly for a year beforehand if she had been abused by her father? The modern framing sequence hints to us that this sort of torment continues today, which though grim, is not really surprising, and seems to belabour a point that we do not need belaboured, as it already hits us hard enough.

There is a theory that poltergeist phenomena is prevalent when an adolescent is present, and moreso if the adolescent is undergoing some form of trauma or depression. This theory seems purpose made for the events of this film, but at the same time, the desire to play the film as supernatural and parapsychological and psychological all in one breath seems clumsy.

END SPOILER

I like this film, and I want to like it a lot more, but the confused direction holds me back.

Stars: 3 out of 5

The Swag

A random selection from the swag of films I picked up recently - some DVD replacements for old VHS copies, a bit of giallo, some devil horror, Rollin vampirism, and The Cell - a good film to watch with the sound off and industrial music played over the top of it.

Alone In The Dark

1982 • Dir: Jack Sholder • St: Dwight Schultz, Donald Pleasance, Jack Palance, Martin Landau, cameo from NY punk band The Sick F*cks

Note: I had borrowed this recently, and this weekend I purchased a copy, so now it meets the criteria for me to review it (ie I own it and it sits on my horror movie shelf). This means it just manages to jump in before I get to An American Haunting.

Premise: Dr Dan Potter (Schultz) starts his new job at a mental asylum run by the eccentric Dr Leo Bain (Pleasance). He is introduced to the asylum's four maximum security patients - Frank Hawkes (Palance), 'Preacher' (Landau), 'Fatty' and 'The Bleeder'. A power blackout across the whole town frees the four lunatics, and sets them loose on their mission to kill the new doctor and his family.

Analysis: I really enjoyed this film when I borrowed it off a friend (a co-conspirator from the mad and deranged Cult of the Chainsaw), and when I saw it lurking on the shelf in one of my favourite haunts (nerd paradise Minotaur) I picked it up.

The plot revolves around the belief formed by the four loonies that Dr Potter has killed their previous head-shrinker, and now plans to kill them. When the power goes out in the town, the four loonies escape and stock up with guns, crossbows and garden tools to stalk, hunt and kill Dr Potter and his wife, sister and daughter.

There are such top shelf talents in this film - Donald Pleasance is wonderfully kooky as Dr Bain, Jack Palance his usual good self as the deeply insane Hawkes, and it was a treat seeing just what a deep level of crazy Martin Landau can achieve. I was truly spooked by him, which was a bit of a revelation, as I only had hazy memories of him from Space: 1999. Dwight Schultz, who usually plays the kooky, funny guy, played a sensitive, staid psych doctor quite well. It made me realise there may be depths to him I'd never recognised before.

The set up of the film is really quite simple, but is enriched by great performances from solid actors, and some nicely paced direction from Sholder (of homoerotic subtext Nightmare On Elm Street 2 fame).

After visiting a local punk band (cameo from NY band The Sick F*cks) at his sister's behest, Potter and his wife return home to find the plot to kill them underway. We know Hawkes, Preacher and Fatty are nearby, but The Bleeder (so named because he gets nosebleeds when he wants to kill) has split off from the group and disappeared. The loonies have already visited the house and killed the babysitter and her boyfriend in the archetypal 'they who screw first, die first' horror movie rule.

Meeting up with a stranger in prison, where Potter's wife and sister were taken after attending a protest, the family, the stranger and a cop concerned for their welfare all converge on the house. What follows is pretty standard fare, but no less engaging for that. Potter's sister, recovering from a bout of mental illness, starts to wig out, as the attack of the lunatics heats up.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

Okay so I guessed this pretty early one, but the friendly stranger is in fact the Bleeder, whose face had been obscured through the film to date. He gets a nosebleed while holding Potter's sister which gives him away. There's a reasonable body count. The babysitter and her boyfriend are finally found dead, Preacher and Fatty both get done in, as does the cop and the Bleeder. Bain gets killed as well. Finally the power comes back on, and a TV new bulletin shows Hawkes' former doctor alive and well, taking the wind out of his sails.

Hawkes escapes to the punk club, where the power is back on as well. Watching The Sick F*cks sing 'Chop Up Your Mother' he beams and says how he feels right at home.

END SPOILER

This was a good film. It has some pretty run of the mill twists and turns, but all up it's a good solid effort.

To close, I will relate something from the interview with three of the leftover Sick F•cks which was a special feature on the disk. One of the band members ran into Jack Palance in New York some years after the film. He ran up to him "Jack! Hey, Jack! Remember me? We were in that film Alone In The Dark together. I was one of The Sick F*cks." And Jack replied in that characteristic voice of his "I think we were ALL sick fucks in that film." Classic.

Stars: 4 out of 5

Amityville Sequels

Amityville Horror II: The Possession
1982 • Dir: Damiano Damiani • Some folk, meh

Okay, so I'm going to keep the reviews short for each of the three Amityville sequels I've got.

Amityville II is (very) loosely based on the original DeFeo murders. Substitute DeFeo for Montelli and Ronnie for Sonny, add demonic possession, badda-bing badda-boom, you got Amityville II.

As supernatural horror, Amityville II is kind of silly. As a portrait of a brutally dysfunctional family, it's pretty much spot on. Some of the intra-family violence in the film is reputed to actually have occurred in the DeFeo family, which lends a very nasty frisson to the film. Ronnie's dad is supposed to have beaten up Ronnie, and Ronnie's mother quite often. Ronnie DID pull a rifle on his father at one stage. There the similarity pretty much ends. Amityville II was based on well-known parapsychologist Hans Holzer's book on the Amityville house and name-drops a few of the other 'theories' - indian burial ground, witch, etc - as to why the house on Ocean Avenue is 'haunted'. By the way, no Indian burial ground has ever been found under or near the Amityville house, no evidence that a witch ever lived on or near the site has likewise ever been found.

Amityville II is pretty much a battle of wills between the 'demon' that is 'possessing' Sonny, and the local priest Father Adamsky. The battle of wills is pretty much at the end of the third act, and is meh, okay.

Quite possibly the biggest ick in the film is the incest between Sonny and his younger sister Patricia. I feel oogy just thinking about it. The only thing that made it a meagre fraction more bearable was learning that Diane Franklin who plays Trish Montelli was 20 yrs old when she did the film, because boy howdy does she look about 15. Ick. Until today, I didn't piece together that she's the french chick in 'Better Off Dead' - one of my favourite 80's teen films. Cool.

As a devil film, Amityville II is highly derivative of The Exorcist. If you've seen both, you'll know what I mean. As a domestic abuse film, the supernatural content cheapens it. As a dramatisation of the DeFeo murders it's highly fanciful, and too saturated with Hans Holzer's peculiar theories.

The only thing that scared me in this film was the incest. The rest made me nearly go to sleep. When I have to go outside in the 5º cold to have a cigarette to wake up, I know the film is seriously boooooring.

Stars: 2 out of 5

Amityville III: The Demon aka Amityville 3-D
1983 • Dir: Richard Fleischer • St: Tony Roberts, small role w/ Meg Ryan

I'm well into hating Amityville by now. This film was the 3D entry into the series. In a nutshell, reporter for mysticism debunking magazine and friend unveil seance fraud at Amityville house. Reporter later buys house and moves in. House tries to kill him and family with standard Amityville hauntedness. Well/gateway to hell in basement. Flies. Spooky photos. Stuff. Drowned girl seen in house moments before reveal that she is dead. Oooooooooooh!

I felt lightly brain damaged after watching this fiasco. Tony Roberts looks like Frankenstein with jug ears and poodle hair.

No point, no meaning, lost, lost in world of Amityville shittiness. Please rescue me before I lose my mind. When I'm done with this project, I'm taking a hammer to this disc.

Stars: 1 out of 5

The Amityville Curse
1990 • Dir: Tom Berry • St: Kim Coates

This time we're still in Amityville, but not at the famous shack on Ocean Avenue. We're apparently drawing from a Hans Holzer book still. The set up for this, the SIXTH Amityville film (yeah, seriously, I know), is a bunch of yuppies invest in a house - you know, to clean it up and sell it on for more cash - before falling victim to the spoo-doo-dookiness of life in the quiet town of Amityville.

Two couples and a single have many spooky experiences - dreams, visions, sounds. Oh and one of them is going seriously bonkers.

The background is that their house was once a parochial house for the local dog-collar sky pilot. He gets killed in the confessional booth, and all the stuff from the local church, where he died, is now stored in the basement of his old house. This includes a haunted confessional. Yes, go back and read that again. Why would you be a priest in Amityville? It has to suck major dog's balls. "Well father, we're shifting you to Amityville." "What in the FECK!"

Murders happen, and the sins of the past are about to be exposed.

I'm not going to reveal the ending, but what I will say is simply this: This one wasn't that bad. It suffers from having the Amityville tag attached, and could easily be set anywhere else, and be a mildly pleasant little horror film.

I may spare this one the hammer of filmic justice.

Stars: 2 out of 5

Amityville addendum

Something I should have added to the wrap-up on Amityville. In one of the doco special features, Margot Kidder talked about meeting horror fans because of the film. She said that she liked meeting horror fans because, unlike a lot of other movie fans, horror fans were actually quite intelligent and seemed generally quite knowledgeable about cinema.

That's really nice isn't it? Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Margot Kidder, I salute you.

And now, shower me with your pity...

For next I must contend with not one, not two but THREE, THREE Amityville sequels.

(from the ever-helpful Wikipedia)
• Amityville II: The Possession (1982) based on the DeFeo story, and with some fascinatingly repulsive incest thrown in.
• Amityville 3D (1983) (made in 3-D, and has also been released as Amityville III: The Demon) Meg Ryan in trouble again.
• The Amityville Curse (1990). Where someone buys a haunted LAMP or some shit from an Amityville garage sale. EDIT: It's not a lamp, I just had no recollection of what happened in this film since I saw it 5 years ago.

Wikipedia also reliably informs me that nine Amityville movies have been made in total. NINE. The mind boggles.

The Amityville Horror

1979 • Dir: Stuart Rosenberg • St: James Brolin, Margot Kidder, Rod Steiger

Premise: George and Kathy Lutz move into their new home, but no sooner than they do, than the usual raft of 'my house is possessed by satan' phenomena begins occurring. This is based on a true story. Though the truth of the story is more than a little dubious...

Analysis: The Amityville Horror is the scariest movie in the world... about mortgage fraud. Like Altered States, I saw this film when it first came out when I was a kid. I was 8 when I first saw The Amityville Horror at a drive in, and at the time it scared the living shit out of me.

But I'm 30 years older and wiser now, and The Amityville Horror just seems kind of... hokey to me now. Let me first say, that I don't get 'house haunted by satan' films. Why? If you're the 10,000-odd year old rebel Lucifer, why in the name of all that's shitty would you want to haunt a house and scare the bejeezus out of a surveyor, his wife and her 3 kids by a previous marriage? Why would you appear to the little girl as a walking on two legs pig motherfucker called Jody? Why would you manifest to a priest as the strong scent of feces? I would credit the Devil with a little more integrity than that.

Of course, the house was never haunted. Yes Ronnie DeFeo did kill his family. Yes, he did say he heard voices in the house telling him to kill. But snorting all that coke, like 'Butch' DeFeo did provides an alternate reason. Satan or drug psychosis? Why not let Occam's Razor decide kids!

The families who've lived in the Amityville house since have never had a problem, apart from incessant armies of gawkers and amateur exorcists and ghost hunters wanting to 'investigate' the house. It's up for sale now if you're curious, at the sweet price if 1.5M US$.

Here's what many believe to be the true story of the Amityville house. Drugfucked, bullied son Ronnie DeFeo decides to kill his mum and dad one night, with help from the older sister. She kill their younger siblings as well. Ronnie cracks, kills his sister as well. Ronnie gets dragged off to the booby hatch. Here's a hint kids, don't push for an insanity plea if you're actually crazy. Someone might believe you and sling you in a rubber room for the rest of forever.

Sometime later, George and Kathy Lutz move in to the Amityville house, now with a nice price reduction due to the 'a multiple murder happened here' discount. George, whose business is doing poorly, and has just taken on the expense of a new wife and family, ever so wisely massively over-extends his finances with a crippling mortgage as well.

George and Kathy want to default and bail after a month, but Mr Bank Kill-Joy says 'No'. With the help of their lawyer and several rattan-covered bottles of 1970's chianti, they concoct the 'my house is haunted, so, er... by the way, I shouldn't have to pay off the mortgage' story.

The end.

There's really a lot that's terrible about this film. James Brolin's limp attempt at crazyeyes, Rod Steiger's ferocious, hammy scenery-chewing acting, and just the sheer nonsense of most of the phenomena - 'Hey there's a glowy eyed pig standing in the window waving at me, better axe it to death! Who wants bacon?' - makes The Amityville Horror a film that massively suffers from a nostalgic re-viewing. Do yourself a favour and watch instead the documentary that comes with most versions of the original film, the documentary that makes out what big-ass LIARS George and Kathy were.

Stars: 1 out of 5

Altered States

1980 • Dir: Ken Russell • St: William Hurt, Blair Brown, Charles Haid

Premise: Eddie Jessup begins experimenting with isolation tanks and hallucinogenics to see if there is some underlying common race memory of mankind that explains spiritual phenomena. Or something.

Analysis: I can't really call this film horror, but then again it's also called science fiction, which I don't think fits either. In the end, I keep it on the horror shelf because it scared the piss out of me when I saw it as a kid.

This is William Hurt's first feature film, and also quietly features the first film appearance of a wee Drew Barrymore. Adapted from Paddy Chayefsky's first, last and only novel (Chayefsky himself adapted the screen play) and directed by the renegade director Ken Russell, Altered States is one incredibly messed-up crazy movie.

The central plot of the film revolves around Prof Eddie Jessup's experiments in a sensory deprivation tank while knocking back shooters of a hallucinogen that may be intended to be ayahuasca.

Eddie's first trip is a cue for the usual gaudy visual madness of director Russell, including a trip to the Garden of Eden, and the occasional side trip into a flaming Hell. Not much of a one for drugs myself, I watch Altered States so I don't have to take peyote or acid. To my dying days I will probably imagine that acid trips must be like a Ken Russell film.

The film really does feel pulled in two directions - the intelligent dialogue, original John Lilly research, and search for purpose in man's evolutionary history is Chayefsky's, while the lurid, gaudy and religious overtones are undeniably Russell's. The two are said to have argued quite a bit during filming, causing Chayefsky to have his screenplay credited as 'Sidney Aaron'. To be honest, while Russell's satanic, crucified goat-head figure is what I mainly remember seeing from when I was a kid, it is Jessup's obsessive drive to find this shared genetic memory of humanity, and the idea of physical regression that I find most intriguing.

With an adult viewing, Ken Russell's Garden of Eden and devilish/hellish imagery look, well, a bit silly. One moment everyone's talking soberly about DNA, anthropology and evolution, and the next a snake/Edenic serpent is choking Jessup/Adam to death under an umbrella. You've got to give credit where credit's due - Ken Russell's an amazing lunatic.

The film still leaves me pondering: the notion of storing a genetic memory of the entirety of physical and mental evolution in all of us, is a heady idea. It makes even the humblest person feel like an incredible repository of the tragedies and successes of the human species. The idea of accessing this heritage is a staggering one. If Altered States teaches us anything it's how much more amazing it would have been if not helmed by the sexy nun/heaven and hell obsessed Russell.

Is it horror? Change, mutation, murder, fundamental questions about human existence, an underlying nothingness to existence that could swallow you whole - sounds sufficiently horrific to me.

Stars: 3.5 out of 5

After...

2006 • Dir: David L Cunningham • St: Nobody of any note.

Premise: A crew of 'extreme urban explorers' consisting of Nate, his wife Addy, and her brother Jay embark on an exploration of Moscow's subway in search of Stalin's rumoured Metro 2 and Ivan the Terrible's secret torture chambers. Along the way, things go wrong, as you'd expect really.

Analysis: Looking over my notes from watching this and Phibes, I see that my notes are limited to one word on this film - 'balls'.

Maybe I'm being harsh. My wife picked this up, because she is interested in the actual Metro 2 rumours, that Stalin literally DID have a secret underground rail network. The Russian government deny this. I can't fault her for this. Whether Metro 2 or the Parisian catacombs, underground secrets hold a strong allure for many people. I am not immune to this myself, which means my disappointment in After... was even stronger.

In a nutshell, Nate, Addy and Jay sneak into a building illegally to basejump from the roof. Before she jumps, Addy tells Nate she has something to tell him, some news she'll tell him 'after' the jump. Security arrive on the roof as Nate is last to jump, and and he jumps off the building.

Cut to an indeterminate time later, and the crew are flying into Moscow for their planned exploration in search of Metro 2.

What follows is a ramshackle wander through tunnels that could be anywhere, mysterious appearances by a faceless man and gasmasked soldiers, and fleeting ghostly hints at the presence of Nate and Addy's daughter, who you are led to believe has died.

Things go from bad to worse, as they realise at some point they have been exposed to radiation. Jay sickens, and later dies, Addy also goes away, leaving Nate alone, wandering the tunnels hoping to find a way out.

In my opinion, this is a film we've seen before, done better. The Metro 2 angle was almost pointless - this film could have been shot in any claustrophobic rotten locale. The claustrophobic angle has been done better in such throwaway films as Descent, and the main point of the film, which I'll get to later has a much better parallel as well. The filming itself is horrible to watch. Lots of grainy handycam, rapid choppy cuts, and poor sound quality unassisted by a soundtrack by the Crystal Method, that while a nice soundtrack, does not suit this film at all, lead to a film which is confusing to watch, and much of the time makes little sense.

Now, I am the guy who is all about the filmic mindf@#k. I love films that set out to bewilder and confuse you. I love Inland Empire by David Lynch after all. After... does not stack up. I got the very definite sense that if the film is confusing, it is not because it is intelligently or intentionally confusing, it's just bad.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

Okay, so you're sure you want to know? Okay, it goes like this... Nate and Addy's daughter disappears at a playground after he is distracted by a Russian woman. It is inferred that she is distracting him, so an associate can kidnap his daughter. Presumably the kidnap was for purposes of child slavery or child rape, or some other such loathsome thing, because it becomes clear that the kid is gone and not coming back. Addy is going to tell Nate she's pregnant after she basejumps. He, in turn, had planned to commit suicide on the basejump, because he couldn't take the guilt of his daughter's death. He jumps off, sans parachute, and the whole film is a psychodrama played out in the moments before his death. One is left to presume that the imagined trip to Moscow's Metro 2 is some dubious connection to the Russian couple who kidnapped his daughter. Or something.

END SPOILER

After... has many parallels with Jacob's Ladder. The sad truth is that Jacob's Ladder does all of them better. After... is confusing, messy, ugly and hard to watch. Still, it could be worse, I could have watched Cannibal Holocaust again (which I'm dreading having to do when I get to the C's).

Stars: 2 out of 5

The Abominable Dr Phibes

1971 • Dir: Robert Fuest • St: Vincent Price

Premise: Doctors start turning up dead, killed in novel and bizarre ways. It is discovered that the long-believed dead Dr Phibes is killing the doctors he holds responsible for his wife's death in ways descriptive of the 10 plagues of Egypt.

Analysis: The Abominable Dr Phibes is many things: a black comedy, a lush and over the top revenge film, and also the 100th film done by Vincent Price.

Perhaps something that is overlooked by people when they discuss this film is the silence of Dr Phibes and his assistant in revenge, the terribly gorgeous and terribly named Vulnavia. The first 10 minutes of the film has no dialogue, and indeed Vulnavia remains mute throughout the film. Phibes himself only speaks via a cord plugged into his neck. I found myself wondering how Price dealt with acting a character that at no point in the film actually opens his mouth.

Is The Abominable Dr Phibes even a horror film? Many books I own on horror cinema refer to it, and the fact that it's on my horror shelf has caused me to analyse how I define horror. True, Phibes kills people in a number of cruel ways, that if they had some gritty sepia tones and a ton more gore, would not be out of place in a Saw or Hostel, particularly the last averted kill, where the last doctor has to operate on his son, to retrieve a key that will unlock his gurney from a position underneath a rig designed to drip acid on the son's face in 6 minutes. Phew!

The plot of Phibes is very simple - a revenge film through and through, with the largely comical and bumbling police desperately trying to catch up to Phibes as he works his way through his shitlist. Naturally they fail again and again, until they arrive in time to mop up after the last kill is averted. In many ways you could phone this plot in, and in many respects the ending is no real surprise to anyone, so no spoiler section this time.

What is remarkable is the lush visual insanity of the film - Phibes in a black robe churning out dirges on a pipe organ, clockwork musicians, and an impeccably dressed gorgeous mute assistant make this film highly surreal. Price as Phibes is also a treat, though he does get to verbally ham it up, he must do so while only using his eyes to express anything, his face is completely impassive.

So is Phibes a horror film? A question I ask myself over and over again. More properly it is a comedy in the blackest vein. I would probably include it in my horror collection for only two reasons - one, despite the humour, the murders Dr Phibes commits are actually pretty cruel, even if some of them are just plain silly or hilarious to see played out on screen, and two, I'm coming to the opinion that horror is a pretty broad church. Let's face it, Phibes would look pretty sinister sitting in the comedy section of your local video store, just as Jacob's Ladder isn't quite a simple thriller. Horror, I think must be defined as a genre which expresses feelings of despair, dread, terror and/or cruelty, and often but not always features an over the top or even outright supernatural antagonist, that could not sit comfortably in what we like to call real life. Phibes is definitely an over the top antagonist, and the film definitely portrays Phibe's anger, despair and his cruelty.

All up, The Abominable Dr Phibes is fun. Not one of my all-time favourites, but still worth a laugh with a glass of adult beverage in your hand.

Stars: 3 out of 5

The Abandoned

Note: When I file my DVD's away, I do that library thing where you skip the 'the', so The Abandoned is filed as Abandoned, The. That's why it's here, and not under T.

2006 • Dir: Nacho Cerda • St: Anastasia Hille, Karel Roden

Premise: A woman is told that she has inherited property from parents she never met in Russia. Going there to learn more about her mother and father, she is plunged into an inescapable fate.

Analysis: I'm coming right out and saying it: I love this film. It is a genuinely creepy offering from Spanish director Cerda.

In essence, this film is a claustrophobic loop, where the main characters Marie Jones (played by Hille) and her long-lost brother Nicolai (played by Roden) are pretty much doomed the moment they appear. In the old, rotten house where they were born Marie and Nicolai are constantly haunted by ghosts of the past and future. I especially like the two leads. Hille and Roden are convincing as very ordinary 40-somethings. They don't have the artificial polish that characters in a Hollywood film would have. Hille especially is refreshingly realistic as a 40-year old woman.

What is most scary in this film is the appearance of the doppelgangers of Marie and Nicolai. The film sets up their existence, and rationale relatively early, though that does not detract from their pure creepiness one iota.

I cannot discuss this film in too much detail. The events of the film, and its conclusion are so intimately bound, that to unveil too much in one place is to undo the film in another. I will say that it is a bleak and horrific film, but one that you will enjoy, if - like me - you're fond of a good ghost story. It also deals with a truly dysfunctional family dynamic, where possessiveness and resentment reach a point where obsessiveness is too small a word to describe just how screwed up it is.

This is well worth a play on a dark and stormy night, with the lights out. Just make sure you're wearing your adult nappies when you do.

Stars: 4 out of 5

30 Days of Night

2007 • Dir: David Slade • St: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston

Premise: The tiny Alaskan town of Barrow goes through 30 days without sunshine every year. This year, a gang of vampires decides to take advantage of the 30 days and engages in an orgy of blood-drinking. Only the local Sheriff and his estranged wife can stop them.

Analysis: 30 Days of Night is based on the IDW graphic novel of the same name by Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith. Steve Niles contributed to the screenplay as well.

The set up for this film is pretty straightforward and does not veer too far away from the graphic novel. Early on, seemingly random events conspire to make the already remote Barrow almost inaccessible - the town's mobile phones are stolen and destroyed, the sled dogs are brutally killed, and eventually the power is killed just after the final sunset for a month.

Josh Hartnett plays Sheriff Eben Oleson (Olemaun in the comic), and Melissa George plays his estranged wife Stella (both are happily married in the comic). While Eben is dealing with the strange, random events that will eventually isolate Barrow, Stella becomes stranded in Barrow when an accident causes her to miss the last flight to Anchorage for a month. Hartnett is quite convincing as the heartbroken but diligent Sheriff, and seems to carry a repressed weariness in all his early scenes.

I don't really need to cover the events of this film too closely - a community of 150-odd people stranded in a remote town with no sunshine for 30 days, plus a gang of hungry vampires led by Danny Huston's truly creepy vampire leader Marlow. Yep, it's pretty much what you think it's going to be - a savage and brutal war of attrition, with most of the attrition on the side of the helpless humans.

What I will touch on are some of the differences between film and graphic novel, as well as the portrayal of the vampires.

As noted above, there are some differences in the two leads between their comic and film incarnations. Usually film adaptations of comics make me want to pull my hair out. Some are note perfect, or thematically strong (Sin City and The Dark Knight leap to mind) while others miss the point in small or often catastrophic ways (Watchmen and A History of Violence leap to mind here). 30 days of Night the film does leave out one important subplot from the comic, namely the notion that not all vampires think slaughtering a whole town is really a good idea. In place of this sacrificed subplot is a much more detailed focus on the survivors in Barrow. The sacrifices they make, the grief they suffer, the fear that dominates them. 30 Days presents us with survivors who look, tired, dirty, hungry and mournful, rather than a group of pretty 20-somethings with designer dirt that other films like to give us *cough* *Michael Bay* *cough*.

The term 'survival horror' gets bandied about a lot these days, and while its origins and definition in console games are quite defined, its filmic parallels are not always so neatly identified. In fact survival horror in film has become almost synonymous with the zombie. I think 30 Days of Night presents an almost text book example of what defines survival horror - helpless people in helpless circumstances facing a horrific rate of casualties to the enemy, and an enemy that is implacable, relentless and bloodthirsty. Watching not only the deaths, but their knock-on effects - panic, helplessness, fractiousness, shame and disgust - unfold in 30 Days, leaves me convinced that Steve Niles not only translated his comic to film, but in some regards drastically improved it.

Which leads me to the fangers. The vampires of 30 Days are truly horrifying. No elegant European Counts, or whiny sparkly things here. No, the vamps of 30 Days are snarling, black-eyed, shark-toothed monsters. They move like agile predators. Their guttural vampire language sends shivers down your spine, and the tactics they have used to isolate Barrow engender a feeling of creeping unease long before you even see them. The blood splattered over their very pale skin, and all over their clothing only reinforces their savagery. They look, and act, like monsters. And not a moment too soon I say. 30 Days delivers what was sorely needed for vampires - an iteration that makes you remember why vamps are supposed to be scary. 30 Days' undead fangers are true monsters in every way, and restore vampires to their spot as the kings of the horror monster. The helplessness of the humans before these monsters is made truly stark when Huston's Marlow and his gang have captured one of the helpless Barrovians. Tearfully, she begs God to save her. Marlow angles his head quizzically 'God? No God.' he merely says before she is ruthlessly slaughtered. Marlow's statement leaves us in an almost Lovecraftian universe, a world that is godless as well as actively hostile to mankind. When his female off-sider is hideously burned with a UV lamp, he mutters 'What can be broken must be broken' before killing her - a truly shark-like ethos. The savage predation of these vamps extends even to their own kind.

Special mention must be made here of Ben Foster's character 'The Stranger', the henchman who paves the way for the vampires' arrival. His psychotic demeanour, almost English like teeth and peculiar accent make him a 'Renfield' above Renfields. Though his fate is the traditional fate of all loonies who choose to serve vampires, he still stands out as a truly unsettling henchman.

The violence is not tucked away quietly either. After some early scenes where the vampires hunt from the shadows, glimpsed briefly before vanishing again, the last half of the film does not shirk from splattering the old ketchup around, mainly from Eben's handy fire axe. Mark Boone Jr's character Beau Brower (the town recluse) also dishes out a spectacular action scene that slices and dices no small number of the interloping fangers.

Spoiler Alert: the Ending

Well actually, this time I'm not going to spoil it. The ending makes sense in a very selfless way, that I think fits in very neatly with the survival horror ethos.

So, is this film worth seeing? Hell yeah. If you're after a vampire flick, you could do far worse than this gem. The comic and the film make good companion pieces, rather than necessarily fuel for an argument as to which one got it 'right'.

Stars: 4 out of 5

28 Weeks Later

2007 • Dir: Juan Carlos Fresnadillo • St: Robert Carlye, Rose Byrne

Premise: The sequel to 28 Days Later, London has been mostly cleared of the infected by the Americans, and Londoners are slowly being returned to the city, as a second outbreak occurs.

Analysis: With the success of 28 Days Later, it was perhaps inevitable that there would be a sequel. 28 Weeks continues the use of the rapid jump-cuts of the first film, and also the very moody and haunting music of 28 Days.

I will be perhaps briefer with this review than I was with 28 Days. This is largely because, while 28 Weeks is entertaining, the tone of the film is much more frenetic, feeling like it does as one long chase.

In essence, Don (Carlyle) and his wife Alice (Catherine McCormack) are holed up with some other survivors in a farmhouse. Their kids have been sent away in one of the big evacuations that had been carried out before the UK became quarantined. In the space of about 3 minutes, one of the infected break into the farmhouse, and everyone dies. This is an excellent start to the film to attempt to establish it's credentials as a worthy sequel. Don tries to help the others and save his wife, but in a wrenching moment chooses survival over love, and makes good an escape.

Later, Tammy (Imogen Poots) and her little brother Andy (Mackintosh Muggleton) are entering London, along with a large number of other evacuees, to stay in a safe area on the Isle of Dogs and Canary Wharf. This was ostensibly done to contrast the 'old' London of 28 Days, with the 'new' London of 28 Weeks. They are reunited with their father, Don and processed by an American military scientist Scarlet (Byrne), who is annoyed because no screening process had been approved yet for children.

Tammy and Andy ask how their mum died, and Don lies to them, ostensibly to mask his guilt and spare their feelings. Don tells them they can't go back to their old house. Naturally, movie kids being movie kids, they do the exact opposite and sneak out the next day. At this point, it's also worth mentioning the paranoia the film evokes by having everything constantly under surveillance. We are introduced to scenes often by seeing them on a security camera first, and one of the snipers who protect the area, the American Doyle (Jeremy Renner) routinely scans the area through his rifle's scope.

When the kids escape, they are spotted almost immediately after they've left the safe zone. After a sobering introduction to what post-infection London really looks like, they make their way back to their old home. Inside, they find the film's bombshell - their mother, infected but not affected by the rage virus. The army swoops in and the film's rollercoaster ride toward sweeping oblivion begins.

Scarlet is fascinated by Alice's immunity and thinks she could find a cure from Alice's blood. The disinterested Gen Stone (Idris Elba) wants none of it, and orders Alice to be killed. After a resentful reunion with his kids, Don has to face his shame and admit he left his wife to die. He sneaks in to see her, and one kiss starts an apocalypse that will destroy the Isle of Dogs. Don becomes infected, and the second aberration of infected behaviour appears - Don seems to retain some memories and actively hunts down his kids.

From here on out 28 Weeks is a non-stop chain of massacres, gore, explosions, and brutal but necessary military crackdowns. Unable to pull the trigger on Andy, Doyle teams up with Scarlet and the kids to escape London with his chopper pilot friend Flynn (Harold Perrineau). I found this half of the film entertaining, but to be honest also a bit ordinary. 28 Days engaged you with drastic shifts in mood and tone, while the latter half of 28 Weeks is like Michael Bay Brundle-Flyed with Renny Harlin.

I will make one exception for the helicopter lawnmower-style kill of a horde of infected. That was just so implausibly crazy, it made me laugh.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

As with many survival horror style films, we get a steady attrition of characters, losing Doyle to fire, Scarlet to Rage-Don, and finally Rage-Don to Tammy. Finally only Tammy and an infected Andy make it to Flynn's chopper, and escape, flying past Dover, over the channel to France. At the end, we are left with a shot of Flynn's abandoned chopper and a mob of infected running toward the Eiffel Tower (I guess they wanted to be the first in line when the ticket box opened, or at least see it before Destro and Cobra melted it with nanites).

END SPOILER

28 Weeks Later is not a bad film by any means. It is quite entertaining, but it's also a little flabby, and the headlong run into a pointless ending does let the film down. While it felt like 28 Days and sounded like 28 Days and looked like 28 Days, the double whammy of infection immunity and retained memory during infection did little to improve the film and only really bogged it down with elements that ultimately led nowhere. Still, watch it for the f@#king awesome helicopter scene.

3 out of 5 Stars