Let's get into the madness.
The Grudge
This is a remake of the original 'Ju-On'. I've never seen all of the original I must admit, but I have seen clips of the scarier bits. I may be committing an act of utmost Japanophile blasphemy here, but I prefer this version, the remake.
I don't own a lot of J-Horror, but the two I do possess - The Grudge and Ring - got an outing over Easter. The Grudge is really creepy, with a lot of moments designed to evacuate the old back door. Being a Sam Raimi produced remake, his bro Ted gets an outing. Being a bit steamed when we watched this, I did find I was referring to the characters by roles they were known for elsewhere. Except for Bill Pullman, because I can never remember any of his other roles by name, but Joxer the Mighty and Buffy sure got referred to a lot.
You may notice, I have not said much about the film itself. Well, no.
Look, just see it. It's good and it's creepy, and there's some nasty stuff in there. Turn the lights out and press play...
3 Stars
Paranormal Activity 2The bookending prequel/sequel to the much-vaunted Paranormal Activity.
I have a confession to make. I think Paranormal Activity was pants. It took what could have been a nice ghost film, and made it into a $h!thouse devil movie. I could ask why a demon likes to just slam doors, why it has chicken feet, or why it sets ouija boards on fire, if demons apparently need them to talk to you (cue the American Christian Brigade: 'It's the DAAAAAYYYVIL'S AAAAAUUUURRAKULLL!!).
Paranormal Activity 2 takes the shortcomings of the first film and bravely tries to make them worse. Again, we have a cynical husband. Again, we have a wife that the mean husband just doesn't believe. However this time, we have a whiny teenager, a baby and a dog! Hooray!
PA2 tries to explain why PA1 happened, which I find irritating on two levels. First, I don't necessarily NEED to know why everything happens in a film, I'm prepared to trust that sometimes, demons are just bastards, or that a house is just haunted. The second reason the film irritated me was simply this: Once it's explained and all the ramifications are played out, you don't actually need to have seen the first film. PA2 cheapens PA1 and makes it irrelevant, which is like inviting everyone over for a swim, and then pissing in your own pool.
Is it any good? It's... okaaaaay. I would probably recommend seeing the first one and skipping this.
2 Stars
Ring
Ring was arguably the film that introduced J-Horror to us gaijin. It may not have been, but I vaguely remember it that way, so I'm saying it's true.
So, go on, ask me why you should see Ring and not The Ring, which is the US remake. Go on. Anyone? You at the back? Thank you.
You should see Ring because it is awesome, because it will f#ck your lily-livered $h!t up. I've seen a lot of scary movies in my time. Very few made me jump out of my seat, but Ring is one of those spring-loaded films.
Now, I'm aware that I said I preferred The Grudge to Ju-On. That's an exception, now here's the rule - the US is generally pretty crappy at remaking foreign films. Sure, there are exceptions, there always are, but not here. People who like The Ring over Ring are the same people who like Asti Spumante over Bollinger. Ring is the real deal people! The absolute, certified, brown undercarriage champion of Teh Skary.
Is it good? F#ck yeah.
4 Stars
The Thing
After basted turkeys like Lycanthropy, we wanted something truly creepy, so out came John Carpenter's masterpiece of terror, The Thing, a loose remake of the old 50's sci-fi cheese-fest 'Thing From Another World', but more closely based on the original story 'Who Goes There?'
I saw The Thing when I was but a wee item. So many of the gross and grislies of the film are images that have stayed with me forever. Many people give Carpenter $h!t, saying he's a hack and holding up Ghosts of Mars as Exhibit A. These people are liars, and are trying to lure you away from true moments of pure genius with their lying liar's lies.
The Thing is BRILL-I-ANT. A true gem in the horror genre, with a nice criss-cross to sci-fi, just to bring the neighbours over ('Hi Sci-Fi!' 'Hi Horror, how's it going?'). It is gory, creepy AND suspenseful. How many of your super-duper, sepia-tone, grainy-shot, torture porn yawn fests can say that huh? Exactly.
Is it any good? Yes, screw them liars and their lying lies. See it! Then go watch Halloween.
4 Stars
John Carpenter's Vampires
Okay, so I've just lauded John Carpenter to the heavens. Now here's a reason that the lying liars and their lying lies might have a point.
JC's Vampires is a ludicrously macho and misogynistic vehicle for James Woods to chew scenery, a style of acting that is his oeuvre. Seriously, the James Woods School of Grimacing and Biting Corners off Scenery would show this at their school.
The always hilarious Mark Boone Junior sadly dies off too early, leaving us stuck with the chubby Baldwin instead. Sheryl Lee has little to do but wiggle her buttocks as Hooker-Being-Turned-Into-Vampire-and-Occasional-Macho-Bitchslapping-Receiver, which is sad. I always thought that Sheryl Lee never got a real chance to develop as an actress.
As a Vampire film, it's... well, okay it IS interesting. It's rare you see vampire hunters presented so, well, realistically. The vampires are cyphers here, shadowy ghoulish threats. The Big Bad, ubervamp Valek is a floating evil ghoul of a vampire who, in one memorable scene, reminds us exactly why 20 hunters to one old vampire is almost equal. And he looks creepy.
Is it any good? You know, kinda. It improves with beer, I'll admit, but it's not VERY awful, just sorta awful.
2 Stars, 3 Stars with 3+ beers under your belt
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