Another interlude

Supernatural Romance must be stopped.
Look, I'm not averse to a Sookie Stackhouse book. They're a fun combination of mystery and soft porn, with monsters and mayhem thrown in for jollies. But I see bookstores increasingly dispersing their horror content across the store into thriller or general fiction settings, to replace that prime shelf space with 'Supernatural Romance'. Twilight books and books with covers where Fabio has been turned into a vampire or werewolf are becoming horribly predominant.

It is a pretty common thing for people to rip on Twilight. I confess, I am more often than not the ringleader of such discussions. But Stephanie Meyer, you have up-ended a proud and noble literary tradition with your series of twonk young romance novels. There's more to horror and the supernatural than getting shagged by a bare-chested vampire.

If you are reading this and care about horror, I urge you, grill your bookstores about why they have no horror section any more. Twilight and its ilk are a passing blip, a trend. Shonky hand shandy material for teens and soccer moms who should know better.

I don't mind if these books try to hang out IN a horror section, but the day they displace the horror section is the day the world goes topsy-turvy. I refuse to see why Poe, Lovecraft, Bierce, LeFanu, Stoker, Barker, King, Rice, Brite, Koontz and everyone else should stand aside for an illiterate Mormon with a penchant for writing domineering vamp boyfriends.

I implore you, stop them before the only place we can find a vampire is writhing on black silk sheets with a blank cypher Mary-Sue. It's not too late.

Rant over peeps. Go back about your business.

Laziness

So I was meant to do those two reviews (Phibes and After...) last weekend. I am a creature of terrible laziness. Still, to make up for it, I'll try to squeeze one extra in today if possible. Just don't hold your breath, is all I'm saying.

After...

2006 • Dir: David L Cunningham • St: Nobody of any note.

Premise: A crew of 'extreme urban explorers' consisting of Nate, his wife Addy, and her brother Jay embark on an exploration of Moscow's subway in search of Stalin's rumoured Metro 2 and Ivan the Terrible's secret torture chambers. Along the way, things go wrong, as you'd expect really.

Analysis: Looking over my notes from watching this and Phibes, I see that my notes are limited to one word on this film - 'balls'.

Maybe I'm being harsh. My wife picked this up, because she is interested in the actual Metro 2 rumours, that Stalin literally DID have a secret underground rail network. The Russian government deny this. I can't fault her for this. Whether Metro 2 or the Parisian catacombs, underground secrets hold a strong allure for many people. I am not immune to this myself, which means my disappointment in After... was even stronger.

In a nutshell, Nate, Addy and Jay sneak into a building illegally to basejump from the roof. Before she jumps, Addy tells Nate she has something to tell him, some news she'll tell him 'after' the jump. Security arrive on the roof as Nate is last to jump, and and he jumps off the building.

Cut to an indeterminate time later, and the crew are flying into Moscow for their planned exploration in search of Metro 2.

What follows is a ramshackle wander through tunnels that could be anywhere, mysterious appearances by a faceless man and gasmasked soldiers, and fleeting ghostly hints at the presence of Nate and Addy's daughter, who you are led to believe has died.

Things go from bad to worse, as they realise at some point they have been exposed to radiation. Jay sickens, and later dies, Addy also goes away, leaving Nate alone, wandering the tunnels hoping to find a way out.

In my opinion, this is a film we've seen before, done better. The Metro 2 angle was almost pointless - this film could have been shot in any claustrophobic rotten locale. The claustrophobic angle has been done better in such throwaway films as Descent, and the main point of the film, which I'll get to later has a much better parallel as well. The filming itself is horrible to watch. Lots of grainy handycam, rapid choppy cuts, and poor sound quality unassisted by a soundtrack by the Crystal Method, that while a nice soundtrack, does not suit this film at all, lead to a film which is confusing to watch, and much of the time makes little sense.

Now, I am the guy who is all about the filmic mindf@#k. I love films that set out to bewilder and confuse you. I love Inland Empire by David Lynch after all. After... does not stack up. I got the very definite sense that if the film is confusing, it is not because it is intelligently or intentionally confusing, it's just bad.

SPOILER (in black type below-select to read)

Okay, so you're sure you want to know? Okay, it goes like this... Nate and Addy's daughter disappears at a playground after he is distracted by a Russian woman. It is inferred that she is distracting him, so an associate can kidnap his daughter. Presumably the kidnap was for purposes of child slavery or child rape, or some other such loathsome thing, because it becomes clear that the kid is gone and not coming back. Addy is going to tell Nate she's pregnant after she basejumps. He, in turn, had planned to commit suicide on the basejump, because he couldn't take the guilt of his daughter's death. He jumps off, sans parachute, and the whole film is a psychodrama played out in the moments before his death. One is left to presume that the imagined trip to Moscow's Metro 2 is some dubious connection to the Russian couple who kidnapped his daughter. Or something.

END SPOILER

After... has many parallels with Jacob's Ladder. The sad truth is that Jacob's Ladder does all of them better. After... is confusing, messy, ugly and hard to watch. Still, it could be worse, I could have watched Cannibal Holocaust again (which I'm dreading having to do when I get to the C's).

Stars: 2 out of 5

The Abominable Dr Phibes

1971 • Dir: Robert Fuest • St: Vincent Price

Premise: Doctors start turning up dead, killed in novel and bizarre ways. It is discovered that the long-believed dead Dr Phibes is killing the doctors he holds responsible for his wife's death in ways descriptive of the 10 plagues of Egypt.

Analysis: The Abominable Dr Phibes is many things: a black comedy, a lush and over the top revenge film, and also the 100th film done by Vincent Price.

Perhaps something that is overlooked by people when they discuss this film is the silence of Dr Phibes and his assistant in revenge, the terribly gorgeous and terribly named Vulnavia. The first 10 minutes of the film has no dialogue, and indeed Vulnavia remains mute throughout the film. Phibes himself only speaks via a cord plugged into his neck. I found myself wondering how Price dealt with acting a character that at no point in the film actually opens his mouth.

Is The Abominable Dr Phibes even a horror film? Many books I own on horror cinema refer to it, and the fact that it's on my horror shelf has caused me to analyse how I define horror. True, Phibes kills people in a number of cruel ways, that if they had some gritty sepia tones and a ton more gore, would not be out of place in a Saw or Hostel, particularly the last averted kill, where the last doctor has to operate on his son, to retrieve a key that will unlock his gurney from a position underneath a rig designed to drip acid on the son's face in 6 minutes. Phew!

The plot of Phibes is very simple - a revenge film through and through, with the largely comical and bumbling police desperately trying to catch up to Phibes as he works his way through his shitlist. Naturally they fail again and again, until they arrive in time to mop up after the last kill is averted. In many ways you could phone this plot in, and in many respects the ending is no real surprise to anyone, so no spoiler section this time.

What is remarkable is the lush visual insanity of the film - Phibes in a black robe churning out dirges on a pipe organ, clockwork musicians, and an impeccably dressed gorgeous mute assistant make this film highly surreal. Price as Phibes is also a treat, though he does get to verbally ham it up, he must do so while only using his eyes to express anything, his face is completely impassive.

So is Phibes a horror film? A question I ask myself over and over again. More properly it is a comedy in the blackest vein. I would probably include it in my horror collection for only two reasons - one, despite the humour, the murders Dr Phibes commits are actually pretty cruel, even if some of them are just plain silly or hilarious to see played out on screen, and two, I'm coming to the opinion that horror is a pretty broad church. Let's face it, Phibes would look pretty sinister sitting in the comedy section of your local video store, just as Jacob's Ladder isn't quite a simple thriller. Horror, I think must be defined as a genre which expresses feelings of despair, dread, terror and/or cruelty, and often but not always features an over the top or even outright supernatural antagonist, that could not sit comfortably in what we like to call real life. Phibes is definitely an over the top antagonist, and the film definitely portrays Phibe's anger, despair and his cruelty.

All up, The Abominable Dr Phibes is fun. Not one of my all-time favourites, but still worth a laugh with a glass of adult beverage in your hand.

Stars: 3 out of 5

Merchandising interlude

So, I've ordered some more t-shirts. I ordered the first two off MiniCasette Tees, and they're very awesome shirts. MiniCasette can be found up in the Fiends section in the sidebar if you want to check them out.

Oh, and first person to match implement to monster and film in the 'Personal Effects' t-shirt gets a banana*.

The third tee is from the supremely excellent Last Exit To Nowhere site.

*Note: you will have to buy your own banana.

The tyranny of boxed sets

Something else I should also mention. I have a few boxed sets. I really didn't want to go through those as well when I was going alphabetically, so I've decided to leave them to the spot they're in on the shelf at home - ie last. I have a couple of Hammer boxed sets, so this means that the single films I have that tie into them, the Draculas and the Frankensteins notably, are going to wait until I get to those boxed sets. Life would be much simpler if I had all these just sitting on a hard drive, but I am a good person who purchases original copies, so my job is a little more complicated.

*sigh*

Next 3 films

Next up are the following;
• As mentioned earlier Vincent Price's classic 'The Abominable Dr Phibes'.
• The film that really, really wants to be Jacob's Ladder but isn't, After…
• And I know it's not really horror, but Altered States scared the shizz outta me when I was a kid, so it's on the list.